Failure To Launch

In the midst of Turtle mania, surrounded by Street Sharks, Battletoads and Martian Biker Mice, one studio decided to do things backwards: What if we made the tie-in videogame first, and made the cartoon second? Unfortunately the game was a disaster, so obviously the adventures of Bullet-head Man, Horny Buzzsaw-for-legs Girl, Sentient Toolbox and uh... some other ones. They're a team, they fought crime, probably. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Wouldn't you know it, John doesn't spend enough time with his family! But that's ok, they're going on a long cruise, just the four of them. But oh no! The boat sank, they're drowning! But that's ok, they washed up on an island, with people and everything! The people tell them they've been there for decades and you can never leave, but that's ok! The beach is nice! Also one of the kids needs insulin and is running out, but that's ok! There's magic dolphins! That's ok! That's ok! That's ok That's ok That's okthat'sokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsokthatsok S O S A O K S O S S O S A O K S O S S O S A O K S O S S O S A O K S O S Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Our first Failure to Launch for 2020 is the super-1985 Suburban Beat, the story of 4 suburban housewives thrown together by circumstance (they wanted to) to solve the murder of their friend. I say friend, but to be honest they're kinda glib about the whole thing. This quickly changes, however, as the details of the murder become more and more serious, forcing them to come face to face with the dark underbelly of Middle America- I lied. They stay just as glib, but the rest of that stuff happens. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dibb, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Two kids cuddle a shitty mannequin who turns into a man with a blue mullet. He avoids getting stabbed in 80s New York City while teaching the kids about centrist politics. None of them can sing, but they do and you can't stop them. This is Creating Rem Lazar, and it's madness. You can find Sarah and Michael's podcast, Sarah and Michael Save Christmas here, or find them on twitter at @meandmyeasel for Michael, or @why_in_the_heck for Sarah! Reviewers: James Ferris, Sarah Baggs, Michael Williams Soundboard: Lisa Dibb

This week we're looking at our oldest pilot ever, Madame Sin, a 1973 attempt to kinda do Bond on TV, but what if the villain was the protagonist and also Bette Davis? She's got everything: weird gadgets, a secret lair, underground lab filled with mad scientists, a delightfully camp second-in-command, even a plan to steal a nuclear submarine! The only thing she's missing is someone willing to tell her to stop adding steps to her plan, or maybe suggest she think about using that mind control device more often. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This Failure to Launch covers The Owl, a trapped-between-eras vigilante hero who is both an 80s style down-and-dirty street justice thug and, in 90s style, named for a dumb bird. When The Owl comes up against rapping drug dealer Cool Ice (he has a henchman with a boombox on standby), no amount of carbombed daughters or late city busses can stop him getting shot repeatedly for justice. A quick lie down might be good though. Or a shower. Goddamn this guy really needs a shower. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

It wouldn't be a season of Failure to Launch without a crimefighting dog, so here's Sniff, another pilot from the 1988 CBS Summer Playhouse (pls bring this back CBS it's been so bountiful.) Robert Wuhl, best known for being that reporter in most of Kim Basinger's scenes in Batman '89, is Sid Barrows, a reporter in most of the dog's scenes in this thing. Nominally he's here to solve crimes but as is trad the dog does most of the heavy lifting. Every crimefighting dog show needs a twist though, and Sniff's is... Sid's dad seems to live with him and do most of the homemaking? It's unconventional but also surprisingly charming. 4 stars. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dibb Soundboard: Andrew Cherry Sniff on IMDB

Failure to Launch is BACK, with... essentially the same pilot we left you with. Scott Bakula* gets into an accident with a space probe,* and ends up with superpowers.* He has to fight a billionaire* with the help of a love interest.* This time though, instead of a son, he has... the Island... also the probe is inside him. Right up there. Two years later he'd escape Failed Pilot Island with Quantum Leap, but we're still here, sifting through the rubble for Billy Zane projects. Season 5! *again Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In this 'Christmas' edition of Failure to Launch, we examine I-Man, a Scott Bakula Sci-Fi vehicle in which he learns the meaning of Christma- wait, no, he inhales a mysterious gas from space. After inhaling it, he finds he has been turned into Jolly Old Saint Nicho- whoops nope he gets blown up and miraculously recovers, as he is now immortal. Actually, this pilot has nothing to do with Christmas really, but it does have laser guns and a truck that falls off a cliff for SO LONG, so there's that. Merry Christmas! Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on FtL, we travelled back in time, then forward again, to look at a sexy, revamped version of the Three Musketeers. But these aren’t your grandma’s stogy old Musketeers, all 17th Century and French and shit. These bad boys (and girl! Fancy!) live in America in the year 2000, only… different. There’s no guns (or even, y’know, muskets), and instead of police there’s Musketeers. But also the Cardinal’s men, who are also the police? Plus there’s a Cardinal, and a King, who are at war while also being buddies, and uh… Apart from mobile phones and cars this is pretty much just the three musketeers. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week in our 101st EPISODE EXTRAVAGANZA (whoops) we treat ourselves with a locally-shot action extravaganza: Irresistible Force, a.k.a. POWER COP. Detective Stone, who's too old for this shit (i.e. getting shot on a weekly basis) is thrown into a Die Hard Lite™ hostage situation with a brand new partner, rookie cop and all-round arse booter Charlotte "Charlie" Heller, played by 90s straight-to-video action star Cynthia Rothrock. There's an angry chief, a weiner kid, a by-the-book, pencil-pushing, city-hall-will-have-my-arse lieutenant, and even a surprise guest for us Aussies! What a way to celebrate 101 episodes of Failure to Launch! Certainly better than some Friends rip-off. Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on Failure to Launch, we raced through Our Thirties, a 2006 sitcom that, like all other sitcoms from the era, was trying to be Friends. Our Thirties hook was a cast of characters with midlife crises on the horizon, examining what they wanted out of life. Turns out it's weddings. Weddings weddings weddings, heteronormative pairings and giving their friend who kissed a girl once shit for it decades after it happened. Also Peter Serafinowicz and Rashida Jones are in it, and thank God this failed so those two could go make something better. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Lisa Dib

At Failure to Launch, Halloween's not over yet!* Closing out this extended spoopy month is The Omen, a mid-90s attempt to serialise the 1970s film. In this version, Hotshot Reporter JACK MAN and two other people we don't care about because their names aren't JACK MAN team up to fight some sort of... possessey, flying, snakey... thing? Also it has human helpers, maybe? Dunno, there's a fair bit going on. Subscribe to Failure to Launch via iTunes (ow.ly/aGJz303czsE) or RSS (ow.ly/xXoU303czqq). Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Martin Dunlop Soundboard: Andrew Cherry *Cherry fucked up the releases and he's very sorry.

This continuation of the spooky month has us watching Ultraviolet, a 2000s attempt by FOX to adapt a British series about cops and vampires. There were cops, and there were vampires, but they might have… forgotten what those are. Anyway, Idris Elba. Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week’s spooky Failure to Launch travels back to the 1970s, dipping into the US’s trendiest fear of the time: Satanists! These particular Satanists are silently guiding Jessica, a young woman, through life in the hopes that she’ll one day birth the anti-christ. Unfortunately her car is struck by DACK RAMBO, a freelance journalist who immediately hits on her, and a whirlwind romance begins. Sounds exciting, but it’s mostly cats and wind. And DACK RAMBO. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: Lisa Dib

This week on Failure to Launch, we watched a modern version of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, starring Adam Baldwin? …that’s honestly as much as we can say. Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch examines a late-90s relic from MTV, Sorority. An attempt to riff on classic college comedies like Animal House, but with a twist: instead of misfit dudes fighting the stuck up arseholes in the snooty frat, it’s all about misfit women fighting the stuck up arseholes in the snooty, uh... sorority. Sounds kinda progressive, right? Well it was still the late 90s, so hahaha no. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: David Shaw

After his boss is killed and then he himself is killed (but not really), he teams up with a hot Walkman fence slash wheelchair-bound child race fixer, hangs out in a crypt and fights crime the 1930s way - wearing a little mask and punching people dramatically. Also, Niles from The Nanny plays an art dealer, but he’s not in it much :( Reviewers: James Ferris, Michael Williams, Alex Malone Soundboard: Skeletor

This week Failure to Launch takes a look at the 2003 (oh my god guys, it’s so 2003) pilot for The Lone Ranger. It’s got everything a great western should have, cute boys, top 40 hits, an extended drug trip sequence, y’know all the classic western stuff. When optimistic young college boy Luke Hartman is almost killed by a bunch of no good outlaws, he sets out on a quest for revenge that will see him steal from widows, investigate rice and maybe even learn to do sweet fly-kicks. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lucy Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week's Failure to Launch examines a 1990 semi-supernatural cop show created by Wes Craven. Wes Craven! He’s pretty good at stuff! It’s about a cynical cop teaming up with a possible lunatic to hunt a serial killer with a paranormal twist. One of them believes in the supernatural, the other is skeptical. Gee, that sounds like a good show, one that should probably star Mitch Pileggi, just like this one! Welp. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry