Failure To Launch

This week's Failure to Launch examines a 1977 sci-fi pilot, Exo-Man. Sounds fun, right? It's about a brilliant scientist who, through amazing technology, builds a bulletproof, invincible robot suit. Sounds cool, right? He faces off against the mob, who are out to kill him before he can testify in open court. Sounds exciting, right? There's car bombs, shootouts, bank jobs, culminating in our hero losing the use of his legs in a targeted hit! Sounds thrilling, right? It is! Eventually. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch ponders Dr. Paradise, the story of the titular doctor, played by Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), and his medical practice on a tiny tropical island. He's your classic grumpy arsehole doctor, so you'd expect him to have some redeeming feature to balance it out, right? Well, add these things to the scale: He owns the island, he runs a casino, he bullies everyone around him and reminds them how much power he has over them and occasionally pulls his goldfish out of it's tank for not fully explained reasons. Whatever's on the redeeming end of the scale has to be pretty damn massive, right? Right? Also, talking parrot. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week Failure to Launch examines B-Men, another CBS Summer Playhouse pilot. Jim, a smart, funny & handsome high schooler, & Kevin, a high schooler who’s just smart and funny (ripped off), accidentally catch a criminal with a $25,000 bounty on his head. After this easy payday, they decide to get into bounty hunting despite still attending high school, not owning a gun and being complete idiots. At this point, every other character threatens to kill them, including a really old bounty hunter with an unconvincing robot hand, some bikers and an invincible cartoon-physics murderer. They’ve got their wits though, so it bumbles along until a car explodes and some other stuff. Contains trace amounts of Pauly Shore. Subscribe to Failure to Launch via iTunes (ow.ly/aGJz303czsE) or RSS (ow.ly/xXoU303czqq). Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Failure to Launch enters a new year by going BACK IN TIME! Synergy! This week we drop back to 1992 for a pilot that takes us to 1775, aptly titled '1775'. Someone at CBS thought the year before the violent, bloody American Revolution would be a good setting for some Married with Children alternate-universe fanfic, so that's what we've got. The eldest daughter's kissing boys oh dear, Dad's a dud root, Mum hates him and there's two other kids but who gives a shit about them. It's set in 1775 though, so they run a tavern and Dad's cousin is George Washington (Adam West). Anyway.   Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

Grab your crucifix and hold on tight! This ain’t your grandmas christian television, it’s time to get extreme!! With the book of Daniel; a hard edged and realistic look at the life of a modern christian family. Things are about to get real. We’re talking drug abuse, racism, homophobia, drug trafficking, and internet piracy. NBC are ready to talk about all of this stuff in a direct and brave way that hopefully won’t upset their very conservative audience. What’s that? Complaints? Cancel it immediately. When 3 million dollars goes missing from the church funds Reverend Daniel Webster freaks out for a bit but then gets distracted making gay jokes about his son, playing golf and popping illegal prescription meds. Guided by Jesus on his quest to get the money back, he lies to his father, colludes with organised crime and gets a bishop hooked on pain killers. Jesus is weirdly quiet about all of this stuff but y’know, mysterious ways. Reviewers: James Ferris, Martin Dunlop, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

This week's Failure to Launch covers Crowfoot, the story of Detective Nick, er, Crowfoot, a half-Native American cop working in Hawaii who has psychic powers and may also be able to shapeshift, although he's not sure about either of these things. You'd think this'd be enough to base a show on, but Crowfoot is also about: His partner Det. Lisa, an older Japanese-Hawaiian cop who's psychic for psychics (maybe) Rachael, a lady Nick found washed up on the beach with amnesia who keeps disappearing and reappearing Det. Nuzo, a grizzled cop who hates his ex-wife and seems mad he's not the main character like he normally would be in a show like this An arsehole divorce lawyer who's going through a divorce (get it?) Monk, the world's most suspicious man, who built a car that runs on garbage, and no-one acknowledges that this is a miracle That is an incomplete list. It's been a while since we watched something this bonkers. Settle in. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cher

CW: Child abuse This week's Failure to Launch covers Mason, a 1975 sitcom vehicle for child star Mason Reece. Mason was already famous nationally for a number of TV commercials, so getting him is own show was a sensible decision. The next decision the show runners made, though... look, if the content warning didn't clue you in to this pilot's 'comedic' theme, let's just say this is the worst decision we've seen a pilot make in 85 episodes of Failure to Launch, bar none. If you ever wanted to hear Harry's brain explode, this is the episode for you. Also, the manager of the hotel from The Shining is Mason's dad. So, there's that? Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone Soundboard: Harry Brimage

It’s a packed house on Failure to Launch this week as we examine Riverworld, a 2003 SyFy original, except it’s not because it’s based on a fantasy book series. Strap yourself in for some tedious world building! Basically a bunch of people who died at different points in history wake up together, naked and screaming, in Riverworld; a big ol’ planet run by aliens, probably. Along their journey, our protagonists meet: - A neanderthal, whose savage attempts to kill people are bad - Emperor Nero, whose classy attempts to kill people are good! - Cameron Daddo, whose American accent is bad - A fish-alien dude, whose paddle-steamer building abilities are good! Will they find out what Riverworld really is? Can they get back to Earth? Will these and other mysteries be solved? Absolutely not, this is a pilot. They can’t blow this stuff early. Read the books if you’re that desperate, nerd. Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we shine a light on DARKLIGHT, a 2004 Sci-Fi Channel saga starring Shiri Appelby (Roswell, unREAL) and Richard Burgi (The Sentinel, Desperate Housewives), as they fight demons, mad scientists and the plague with the power of blackface! Based on the Legend of Lilith, who God created to be Adam’s wife, Lilith was supposed to live in the Garden of Eden but had the gall to ask to be treated equally so is cursed to live for eternity as a demon. Lilith isn’t thrilled with this decision, and spends centuries viciously murdering all that cross her path. Standing in the way of her vengeance is The Faith, a top-secret organization committed to killing Lilith but when they actually get the opportunity to kill Lilith, they just give her amnesia instead. Problem solved! Right? Now working as a florist, Lilith seems fairly disinterested in learning anything about her past or what those giant stones are doing lodged in her arm. So, when a mad scientist turns himself into a plague-spreading dem

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we trash GARBAGE PAIL KIDS, starring the voices of Tara Strong (Powerpuff Girls, Fairly Odd Parents, My Little Pony) Cree Summer (Inspector Gadget, Tiny Toons) and Alyson Court (X-Men, Beetlejuice). Based on the popular trading cards of the 80s that were in turn a parody of the popular dolls "The Cabbage Patch Kids", Garbage Pail kids is a confusing fun mess. The toys of the world are mysteriously going haywire and it's up to five garbage children and a hot dog to solve the mystery! But don't worry about that because the show starts with a UFO movie parody! Giant ants invade the city! Overpriced toys! The Garbage Messiah! Adults hiding in bushes! Self Harm! A dirty old mattress factory! Slime! Men made of fingers and a security guard who has seen some shit! Shit you push down. Shit that never really leaves you. I need a drink. And you will too! So stick around and listen to what may be the strangest episode ever of Failure to Launch.

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we dissect MODESTY BLAISE starring Anne Turkel (Humanoids from the Deep, The Fear), Lewis Van Bergen (Pinocchio's Revenge) and Carolyn Seymour (Congo and Mr. Mom). Modesty and her friend Willie are pair of Jet settin', knife fightin', table hustlin', Kmer Roug-in', Art Stealin', smutty fortune cookie writin' rogues who just stumble upon a very public Kidnapping. After saving Emma Woodhouse from the clutches of... we don't know? Emma is reluctant to give up any information the daring duo set off to... oh they have a nap? Ok... When the head of the Secret Intelligence Agency; Gerald Tarrant politely knocks on the door to claim Emma, Modesty won't let her go so easily. Left with no other choice he... he just goes... So it's up to Modesty and Willie to... do something? to... work for Tarrant? What!? Tune in to this exciting episode to find out; something about a computer? A dominatrix villain and her giant man baby? Does the plot reveal ever come? Be sure to stick around for t

This HALLOWEEN Martin Dunlop joined us as we watched SHIVERS starring Lesley-Anne Down (The Bold and the Beautiful, Sunset Beach, The Pink Panther Strikes Again) and Mark Lindsey Chapman (Titanic, Swamp Thing and FTL favourite ANNIHILATOR!). David and his daughter Amanda move into a new house, but find it's haunted by three American revolution era Ghosts; Jack Marlowe, a highwayman who died with his dick out falling of a barn's support beam; Cassandra, a raunchy Tavern Wench who fell off the beam along with Jack and finally; Silas, a disgusting pig-loving farm hand, whom they fell on. But who gives a shit about all that? When Amanda's new Teacher just shows the fuck up unannounced, she's so disgusted by David's loud yawning and open shirt that she pre-emptively expels Amanda. What a cow. Can the Ghosts who were malicious, like, two minutes ago help impress the haughty Miss Gordon? Can David ever convince his kids that he doesn't hate his ex-wife? Can Matthew... wait... there's another kid? Find out in this Sp

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we examine VENUS ON THE HARD DRIVE created by Chuck Lorre (Big Bang Theory, Dharma and Greg, Two and a Half Men) starring Oded Gross (Story producer on... Cake Boss?... Cake Boss) and the voice of Maggie Roswell (The Simpsons, Pretty in Pink). Harry is a snarky IT worker who unwittingly uncovers Venus; a government spy program who is also a snarky sexy lady that moves in with him and his snarky snark housemate, Ozzy the snark (Lord Snark of House Snark). More than 10 years after Weird Science, Chuck Lorre thought he'd give it another crack... but what if this time... it was a shitty Chuck Lorre show. If you love Big Bang theory and Two and a Half Men, then you'll tolerate Venus on the Hard Drive... and you probably wonder why we're so hard on all these great shows. You absolute muppet. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw Soundboard: Andrew Cherry   *Jeez we've been talking about banging a lot lately.

This week on Failure To Launch we watched Time Slip. John Taylor from Duran Duran is "The Hacker" and he's finally hacked the mainframiest mainframe of all. The mainframe of the future, allowing him to see visions of what is to come. What does this modern Nostradamus do with his power? Watch people getting it on. A la The Twilight Zone, this vision of the future is the story of Greg and Jenny committing the crime of love in a cold robotic future where everything is on fire. When Greg intentionally wipes their records from the security system he is shocked to find that the security system "Lee" no longer recognises him and won't let him back in the office, so Greg has no choice but to KILL LEE. Listen to find out if Greg and Jenny can survive this stupid STUPID game of cat and mouse on this week's Failure to Launch. Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry Soundboard: David Shaw

(Apologies for the audio issues with this episode. Someone absent-mindedly turned their microphone off during the recording.) This week on Failure to Launch we examine MICROCOPS, a 1989 sci-fi comedy about Microscopic Alien Cops who's society is entirely made up rule abiding sticklers. So they come to Earth to learn to loosen up, party down and stop a microscopic criminal who is causing oil spills and advocating, like, you know, whatever man WOOP WOOP. But because they are so tiny, in order to get around this massive world they hijack the first person they stumble across; Morgan, a scientist who's entire career involves developing a molecule that will clean up oil spills. So convenient WOOP WOOP! Can Bidra and Nardo save earth with Morgan's help? Can Bidra learn "What is Kissing?" Can Morgan win back the love of his life from the evil millionaire funding all his projects? And can we forget the endless "WOOP WOOPs"? Oh God the WOOPs. Make them stop. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Sh

This week's Failure to Launch examines Slickers, a sitcom vehicle for up-and-coming standup Michael Richards (Seinfeld, unfortunate viral footage) and SNL star Dana Carvey (Wayne's World, that film with the egg suit.) Richards is a maverick New York cop sent to teach a young, small town Sheriff Carvey the ways of big city policing, dog training and how to name knives. With this kind of star power, you'd think this'd be a shoe-in for at least one season. Fate, just OK jokes and unjustifiably sappy kids get in the way and leave you going... eh. IMDB - Slickers Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

In this week's Bonus! 20% Value! episode of Failure to Launch, we examine Blade Squad, Fox's attempt to take every 90s fad and boil it down to a concentrate, suitable for washing heavily soiled Hypercolour t-shirts. We meet a rag-tag group of cops on their last chance, as they're all loose cannons. A sergeant, hot off being shot in the head, recruits them into a experimental squad of his own design - normal cops, but they've got rollerblades and jetpacks now, plus they're loose cannons. But how will these loose cannons cope when the silliest show we've watched in years takes an incredibly inappropriate dark turn? Could this really be part of the show's continuity? Turns out it's just some loose canon. Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

This week on Failure To Launch Xander Allan joins us as we follow the journey Alex Wilder (Melissa George from Home and Away & The Slap), a young professional with a bitch of a boss and an approaching marriage that she's not totally sure she's ready for. You know what this calls for! ROAD TRIP! Into a massive tornado. Alex is transported into the magical world of Oz where she meets magical and weird characters who are mostly just normal people. The scarecrow isn't even a scarecrow. It's just a dude. Why do Oz like this? They are pursued by the Ring-wraiths from Lord of The Rings into an underwater kingdom ruled by the Good Witch of the South who tells them a confusing story about how Oz is doomed and it's all that bitch Dorothy's fault. Along the way they meet up with a perplexing goth who has to do cartwheels or backflips every 3 seconds to help them on their perilous journey. What dangers lie in wait? You'll have to listen to find out. But rest assured it'll be real dumb. You can find Xander Allan on Tw

Australian listeners! Over in the US, our fellow failed pilot historians (deficio-nauclerusists?) at the Couch Pilots podcast will soon dive into a curio from OzTV: Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos, the doomed clip show infamously yanked from the channel 9 airways mid-broadcast. If you're unfamiliar with this piece of Aussie TV history, we suggest you let Jason & Blake run you through it. Look out for the episode on the 11th/12th of September on any reputable podcast service! (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ In this week’s Failure to Launch, we ask: why would you bother remaking Turner and Hooch? Unfortunately, this 1990 TV adaption of the classic Tom Hanks ‘reluctantly looks after a dog’ film doesn’t give us any answers. It does however give us a plot that revolves almost entirely around the theft of a pecan pie though so it’s not all bad news. Also Turner seems to gain full custody of a child he arrested because there’s no room in the cells. That’s how the law works, right? But seriously why would you bother remaking Tu

In the SEASON 4 PREMIERE of Failure to Launch we watch Northstar; the 1989 pilot that was so insane it inspired Dan Harmon to produce the Jack Black action spoof "Heat Vision and Jack". We follow the baffling journey of Major Jack North, an astronaut that gets hit RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE by a rogue solar flare while on a space mission. Now, whenever he is exposed to sunlight, it amplifies all of his mental and physical abilities but it could also make his head explode. His head almost explodes a lot. He doesn't really make any meaningful effort to avoid the sun. That's an IQ of 1000 for you. After his buddy Captain Moustache-tronaut is murdered it’s up to Jack and his Sexy Scientific handler Dr. Alison Taylor to track down the killer. And by track down we mean stumble around, make VERY AGGRESSIVE passes at each other and chase motorbikes until the killer just gets fed up and solves the crime for them. Why would he do that? We wanted to start season four of Failure to Launch with a bang and what we got was a