Don't Do It Yourself

This episode has our longest intro ever, where we introduce Pete, the serial killer who can't kill people. After that we make urban legends about the Skunk Ape, Ga-Panther, and Compost Pete, make our 101st Silence of the Lambs reference, talk about the Hook Man, a lot of old stories we brought up on previous episodes come back, and we make sex uncomfortable again.   DDIY - How to Be Fresh DSIY - aSexGuide: The App DVIY - The Legend of Compost Pete  

How to give gifts like a dick. How to know if you are being haunted by a sex ghost. If you are being haunted by a sex ghost, is it a sensual sex ghost or just the regular kind? Best movies to turn into musicals. Got it all here, folks.   DDIY: How to give passive aggressive gifts DSIY: 15 signs you are being haunted by a sex ghost DVIY: Galvant

The name of the game this week is survival. Surviving in the world after an EMP blast. Surviving in Future House, the reality tv show about the future where roombas are out to get you. Surviving in a mall with a monkey armed with a chainsaw. You know, situations you could easily find yourself any day.    Topics: Pet shops, snake generator, sex with flags, hummingbird cannon, fuck book, dyson hand dryer, doomba, monkey with a chainsaw

How do you stop a burglary? By robbing them instead. Then becoming burgle bandit named Rob Robertson. If snakes were fireproof, could you launch them at houses to put out fires? Will you get a free pass to heaven if someone who got Raptured ate your finger? Could God be considered the ultimate landlord? We cover it all in this short but sweet one. Our big 7-0!   DDIY: How to Deal with a Burglar Breaking Into Your House   DSIY: Doggy-style Cosmo   DVIY: Left Behind With Nic Cage

What's Montana fashion week like? How can you escape a party when all you have is a police uniform? Can Cosmo actually be funny? What is the sex position called "The Susan B Anthony"? When did Zac became a motorcycle centaur? Most of these and many more questions you never ever asked us get answered this week. 

Frucken are a combination of frogs and chickens, you can tell if someone broke up with Mike on account of the spoon fires and Pecs Motorcycle is the best name ever made.   DDIY - How to write good erotica DSIY - The End-Of-Time-Cop DVIY - Ukranian Bride Documentary

In thirty minutes we mention Thompson's Wood Seal and diamond teeth, rhyme like G-Eazy and Limp Bizkit, get sexually molested by recliners, have a PSA on a very serious issue in a very not serious way, explain Snake Church, and Zac defends eating Glow Sticks.    Wikihow: How to Whiten Your Teeth By Natural Methods Don't Screw It:  The Randy Recliner, Diamond in the Buff, Side-wind Her Don't View It: G-Eazy's Music Video for "I Mean It"

Just take a look at the wikihow we cover today. You know this is going to be good. Also we manage to make references to Cypress Hill, Sublime, and the Police. Good times.      Don't Do It Yourself: How to Get a Crowd to Stop Urging You to Fight Someone Don't Screw It: More Cosmo Nonsense! Don't View It: American Gladiators, American Prisoners.

Because they get touched so much, do braille books smell bad?   Don't Do It: How to Find Your Spirit Animal Don't Screw It: Stairs and Ladders Don't View It: "Botched"  

This week we are joined by the hilarious @radtoria to talk about sex positions involving Hot Wheels, cooking shows starring prison inmates, and what to do if you are an astronaut stuck on a deserted island.  

We upgraded!   With our microphones comes three different sections. Don't Do It Yourself, Don't Screw it Yourself and Don't View It Yourself! We talk about complimenting people you hate, get some morning sex positions wrong, and watch the first episode of THE SLAP so you don't have to do it. Please god, don't do it. It's terrible. There's only one titular slap.    Also Clay is on a combination of Dayquil and Nyquil (aka Brunchquil) so he's a little....off. 

Analyzing your dreams. Enjoying shows you don't enjoy. Porn titles from famous dead authors and the legislative process. Conspiracy theories about Tipper Gore being bovine. Filling a teddy bear with "all the hair that is left over after sex". We really hit all the cultural touch points this week. All the hot button-eyed issues.  Wikihows: How to Predict the Future By Analyzing your Dreams, How to Appreciate Cougartown   Cosmo: 7 Valentine's Day Sex Positions That Will Give You A Love Boner (their words, not ours)    

Happy Valentine's Day! Big changes this week. We got new microphones and sound better than ever. We use our new powers to give you some morning sex positions in a Cosmo quiz and learn how to celebrate Valentine's Day without being all lovely dovey. Especially to you, Lauren. God I hate you.    Topics: Green Latern, Hot Mourning, Bone Collector, Unfurl Me, Sex Butterfly, Suck Their Prey, David A, Silky Hotpocket, Sex Spider, Cat Sex,Matterporn, Pancake Candle, Gun Show, Cupid's Arrow, Jalapeno Cheddar Poppers, Pasta Protocol, Lady and Tramp, Lauren   Wikihow: How to celebrate valentine's day without being lovey dovey Claysmo: Hot Morning Sex Positions

Just five more episodes and this podcast is eligible for Medicare. We talk Radiator Pizza Parties, have a Cosmo game about sex moves at Sochi last year, and perform self hypnosis to get....bigger. I'm sorry we talk about dicks so much this week.    Topics: Cradle the Head, Officer Sexyboyfriend, Both hands/no pizza, Radiator Pizza Party, Saw Zaw, Dickhole, 3rd Hole, Elongate, Batman, What's in the Box.   Wikihows: How to keep your drunk friend from driving, How to perform self hypnosis Cosmo Quiz: 8 Sex Moves for the Olympics.  

You'll notice some differences this week. We're trying out some new stuff in preparation for some big changes next week! Don't worry, we still make the same terrible jokes.   Topics: Birdo Chug, Narwhalin', Space Jam Rock Opera, #DeersAndShit, Pavolvian Apple Sex Response, Sex Cape, Shaky Sex Cam, Mrs. Johnson's Fuck Garden, Paper Full of Bees, Inceptioning, Melissa, Bobcat's Gold Weight, Asshole Grandpas, 411 Banana   Wikihows: How to Chug a Beer, How to Convince Someone That They Are Dreaming Cosmo: 7 Outdoor Sex Positions in the Woods

This week we do a wikihow about sneaking ice cream into work, play a game on a 50 Shades Cosmo article, and Clay tries his hand at accents and does a terrible job.   Topics: Grandalf the Yellow, Donebutton.com, Refrigerated Tophat, Locally Foraged Hobo Tears, Laptop Minifridge, White Balls of Food, Ice Cream Contracts, HJs everywhere, Masquerade Balls, Gloria Childs, Clay is terrible at accents.    Wikihows: How to Sneak Ice Cream Into Work Cosmo Game (Claysmo): 50 Shades of Clay (On a Budget) Game: Clay Tries to Do Accents (fails)

One Wikihow and a single Cosmo today, and they are both great.  Topics: The Original Immortal, Elf Life, Ball Gown, "Oil My Briefcase, Knee Jerk, Wolmo and Wolfgalangalang, Black to the Future, Lacist, I'm the Captain Now, Pleated Hoodie, Desolation of Smaug Wikihow: How to make people think you are immortal Cosmo: 2014 Oscar Movies as Sex Moves

Hope you all had a great holiday break. We sure as hell did. Note: I accidentally chopped off part of the intro, which explains why we bring up Gandalf's horse Shadowfax as some kind of horse/fax machine crossbreed a few times without explanation.   Topics: Brody the terrible window cleaner, Forever Skyborn, Sky Shark, No Rent in the Sky, Uncle Bestuncle, Dacquoise, Sleepy Jeeber, Coldplay and the Watersports Community, Oil Check, Nelly First Dates, The Flat Tire, Claysmo from the year 3069.     Wikihows: How to Persuade A Friend to Stop Bungee Jumping, How to Escape From a Drunken Date.   Cosmo: Car Sex Tips  

Topics: BangsBros, Sir Michael Jordan, Tiny Hats, Mom Loves Olive Puns, Condiment Bandolier, Hamburglar, Senior Wonka, Candy Dick, Pwning Noobs in the Bedroom, 2ToChoose, Sandbanger, IHOP Sex, Pirate's Foursome, BassoonJokes   Wikihows: How to Wear a Fascinator, How to Improve Your McDonalds Experience, How to Stop Your Teenage Son From Masturbating Cosmo: Game Apps - Keep'm or Delete'm?

You guys asked us to talk about stealing sneezes from people so you could live forever, right?    Topics: Sneeze Docking, Silencer, Mute to Poot, AWBC, Smell-o-Vision, Satan's Whistle, Waldoverse, Waldo 3:14, Peter Pan's Bad Guy, MegaHurtz the Pain Robot, First Impression Email, Chop Yourself in Half  Wikihows: How to Fart Quietly, How to Find Waldo, How to Make People Forget Your First Impression