Stoic Coffee Break

“Very little is needed for everything to be upset and ruined, only a slight lapse in reason. it’s much easier for a mariner to wreck his ship than it is for him to keep it sailing safely; all he has to do is head a little more upwind and disaster is instantaneous. In fact, he does not have to do anything: a momentary loss of attention will produce the same result. It’s much the same in our case. If you doze off, all your progress up to that point will be negated. To keep a sharp eye on your impressions, and never fall asleep. It is no small thing that is being watched over, it equates”— EpictetusShow Notes:As we work to become better humans, we need to remember that it takes constant attention.We need to make sure that we are finding ways to apply these principles consistently in our lives.And it’s not easy. Our natural inclination is to be a bit lazy.We don’t always want to put into practice what we’ve learned because it takes consistent effort.I’ve talked about dealing with anger in my life, and reaching a

“How ridiculous and unrealistic is the man who is astonished at anything that happens in life.”― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Book 12Show Notes:How often do we think that something in life shouldn’t happen to us?As if we are somehow immune to the things that happen to anyone else in life.How often do we think that we are owed something?As if we are somehow privileged above others, that we deserve somethingWe may think it’s unfair when something we worked hard for fails to materialize.We may think it’s unfair that someone we love gets cancer, that they didn’t deserve it.We may think we deserve a perfect partner because go to the gym workout and wear nice clothes.The world is full of all kinds of stories about people getting hit with the unexpected and didn’t get what they wanted.Who determines what is fair and unfair?So much in our lives that is simply up to chance, where we have no control over it.We never deserve anything.Now this doesn’t mean that all is lost.Let go of trying to control the things that we c

“First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.” 

― EpictetusShow Notes:Have you ever been around someone that uses words they don’t understand?How many times have you said something, then had to say, “Well, what I really meant was….”?What if we took time to make sure that we were saying what we really meant?How many arguments could be cut short if we stopped, thought about what we wanted and what we were trying to convey, and clearly expressed what we really meant or felt?How many flame wars on facebook could be avoided if we took time to be sure that what we say is really what we mean?The specificity of language is something that is really important.Because everyone gives meaning to the things that are said, things are easily misinterpreted or twisted by emotion in the moment.The more clear that we can be from the outset, the better our communication will be.And while this quote talks about making sure that are clear about what we say, I think we also need to be sure that we are saying what we re

“He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.”― SenecaShow Notes:How often have you stressed over something or worried yourself sick, only to have the scenario you were so worried about never happen?When you worry about something, and you let your imagination run with something, then you suffer many times before you even get to the event that might happen.Unless you can know the future, worrying about something is inventing problems that may never happen.And that kind of suffering is something that we can all probably do without.I’ve talked about this topic on the show before, but I think it’s important to go over these principles many times because we always need a reminder.And the Stoics understood that we as humans have wild imaginations and that we can come with all possible things that can go wrong.And while at times this can be useful with the idea of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, we need to be sure that when we do imagine the worst that we aren’t wed to the out

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”― Marcus AureliusShow Notes:So many things in our lives that we experience and accept to be “true” is simply a matter of perception.Often we make the mistake of thinking that just because we see or hear something that because we experienced it, it must be what reality is.That the way the we experience the world is the way the world really is.But the Stoics remind us that everything in our experience is simply our perception of it, and that our perceptions are quite often wrong.And that we should be prepared to let go of anything we hold as “facts” or “truth” because at any moment we could get new information and be completely wrong.We see this with optical illusions. We see imaginary things in the shadows.We see this in mistakes by eyewitness testimonies that are completely contradicted by video footage of the same event.Everything that we experience is just data signals coming in and our brains are doing it’s be

“Man is affected, not by events, but by the view he takes of them.”— EpictetusHuman beings are creatures that love good stories. Stories are the things that we use to make sense of the things in the world.Myths, such as the Greek and Roman or even Norse gods were used to explain why things happen in the world.Human beings like to give meaning to the things in their lives.It’s part of what makes us human. We give meaning to the expressions on other peoples faces. We give meanings to the words they speak.We attribute feelings and thoughts to animals even when we have no real idea of what their thoughts really are.One of the core tenets of Stoicism, is the understanding that events and circumstances are simply neutral. They have no meaning other than what we give to them.Things happen in life without any reason, which is hard because we as humans want to give meanings to events. We crave a reason. We crave a why. We want to believe that the hard things we go through have some greater purpose. Otherwise we feel t

“If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it.” 

― EpictetusShow Notes:•When I read this quote the first thing that came to mind was “I laugh in the face of evil!”
•How often do we get upset at what others say about us?
•How often do we let what others say about define who we are?
•Why get upset about their opinion, esp if it’s a lie?
•Remember, as Stoics we need to open to correction, because what we believe and how we see the world could be totally wrong.
•We are going to make mistakes.
•We need to act with integrity and decide if they said has merit.
•So if someone points out a flaw, we should be thankful because we now know what to correct. 
•And if what is said about you is patently false, rather than let it upset, you should simply laugh in the face of evil.
•On the surface this quote is telling us that we shouldn’t let what others say about us bother us, because it’s just their opinion, their way of seeing the world.
•But if we dig a little deeper, what this

“To admonish is better than to reproach for admonition is mild and friendly, but reproach is harsh and insulting; and admonition corrects those who are doing wrong, but reproach only convicts them.”― EpictetusShow Notes:Stoics believe that we can only control ourselves.But also believe that we are here to help others.As a Parent I’ve tried to be good about correcting there actions, but not make them feel like they’re a person because the make mistakes.I was often told I was bad person for my mistakes.My partner is great about giving constructive feedbackOften out with friends I’d dominate the conversation. She’d ask me on the way home if I noticed glazed eyes and lack of conversation on their part.She’d help point out these things so that I could get the results I wanted, which was to have engaging and fun conversations with my friendsNon-threatening, just matter of fact was really helpful, and helped me to trust the feedbackWhen we think we need correct someone, the first thing we should do is we should ask

“Well-being is attained little by little, and nevertheless is no little thing itself.”― Zeno of CitiumShow Notes:•Zeno of Citium was the original founder of the Stoic school of philosophy.
•Not much of his writing survived, which is why he is not quoted very often when it comes to Stoic philosophy.
•But I really like this quote as it talks about the importances of small habits to help us attain our well being and inner peace.
•Working on things daily like recognizing what we can and can’t control, recognizing how our opinions on things shapes our view of whether we consider something good or bad, and so many other basic principles that we can practice daily.
•This can be applied to our lives in so many areas.
•We need to be careful of in life is to focus too much on the grand gestures, and not enough on the little things.
•While I think it’s in some way easier to notice the bigger gestures, to me it seems that that the smaller things are the ones, that in the long run have a bigger impact.
•While the big even

Transcript:Hello friends, welcome to the Stoic Coffee Break. Today's episode...Stuff“Until we have begun to go without them, we fail to realize how unnecessary many things are. We've been using them not because we needed them but because we had them.”― SenecaOne of my favorite George Carlin routines is where he talks about stuff and he talks about how we work at our jobs so that we can buy lots of stuff, and then we have to buy a big house so that we can store all of our stuff ,and if we buy more stuff and it doesn't fit into our house that we end up buying a bigger house or renting a storage unit for more of our stuff, and it's just kind of the cycle of stuff. If you haven't seen it you can find it on YouTube but for me it was just such a poignant kind of sketch about consumerism United States and basically we just have so much stuff.Now I’m not suggesting that we all have to become minimalist there's nothing wrong with appreciating the things that you have and enjoying the things that you have. But we need

“If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.”

― SenecaShow Notes:•How often do we wish the world would change for us?
•How often do we think that we can run from our troubles?
•Maybe we work at a place where we feel like if our coworkers or our boss would just get their shit together then we’d be happy with our jobs.
•Maybe we’re in a relationship where we feel like if the other person would just change the things that we want them to, we’d finally be happy.
•Maybe we hate the town we’re living in and if only we could live somewhere else, we’d be happy.
•Maybe we think that if we had a better house, a better car, a better partner, better kids, then we’d be happy.
•There are so many things that we could point our finger at and say that needs to change, then I’d be happy.
•But the thing is, all of these things are outside of yourself. Most of these things are things that you have very little control over.

“Other people's views and troubles can be contagious. Don't sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others.”― EpictetusIt’s important to be careful about the ideas we entertain.Because the ideas we hold determine who we areHow we show up in the worldHow we treat othersLet’s take money for example.If you hang around people that think that money is the measure of a person, you will treat people differently than someone that doesn’t.If think that that people who are poor are lazy and deserve what they get, then you’re more likely to treat them poorly.If we think that rich people are more deserving because they are rich, then we may treat them better simply because we assume they have more value.If you spend any amount of time watching any political news media, you’d think that the end of civilization was happening because of one side or the other.I had a good friend in college that used to listen to right wing talk radio fairly often. I’d known hi

“Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.”― SenecaShow Notes:•Today’s topic is one that is a bit personal to me. It’s something that I struggle with at times.
•I’ll get upset about something, and because I let anger get the best of me, I make the situation far worse than the event that I got angry about in the first place.
•And getting angry also causes me to ruin my inner peace. We make myself unhappy by not dealing with anger in a constructive way. I give ourselves a bad day.
•And it’s because sometimes anger feels good. That righteous indignation when we feel that someone has done us wrong and that we have the right to put them in their place.
•Anger is something that each one of us have to deal with.
•We don’t need to turn off anger. Repressing what we feel is not a good idea either.
•But dealing with it in a healthy way is something that we can all learn.
•We can feel the feelings, acknowledge them, then decide what to do about them.
•We can ask whether

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”― SenecaAre you a lucky person?The Stoics understood that most things in life are out of our control.The reason that they stress that ideas so much, that we try so hard to control things around us.Trying to control things outside yourself causes yourself and others a lot of suffering.Other people, events, and circumstances are certainly outside of our control.So much of our life is simply up to chance.The people we meet and become friends with and fall in love with.The jobs that we get because of being the right place at the right time.So many things that just happened by chance, and all of them outside of our control.In the Drunkard’s Walk, a book about the role of randomness and chance in our lives, Leonard Mlodinow, after showing example after example about how poorly we as humans misjudge the role of chance in our lives goes on to say, “...ability does not guarantee achievement, nor is achievement proportional to ability. And so it is important to

“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”― EpictetusShow Notes:•Stoics believed strongly that we are all in control of our own emotions
•One of the strongest emotions we have to deal with is anger
•From an evolutionary standpoint it seems to makes sense. We feel threatened and we respond in a way that we think will deal with the threat.
•But the thing is, fear is usually the response to a physical threat. Anger is usually response from a threat to our ego. Anger is usually what we use to try and control something that we can’t.
•When someone speaks poorly of us, or does or says something we don’t like, we’re trying to control them through anger.
•If someone is easily offended and flies off the handle at even the smallest thing, they are are trying to control others. 
•But when we get angry we’re failing to control the one thing we truly can control - ourselves. We’re giving control of our emotions to someone else.
•Have you

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”― SenecaShow Notes:Does Seneca mean that we shouldn’t think about the future and strive for anything? Seneca himself was a wealthy merchant, which means that he did have to think about the future.Contentment with what we have, and not desiring what we don’t.Be grateful for what we have. Not being jealous of what someone else has.Contentment of the physical things you already have.If you desire what you already have, then you can be happy right now.It’s those moments when I look around and appreciate what I have that help remind me that life is good.How can we apply this to striving?What I think that he means is finding that

“Even as the Sun does not wait for prayers and incantations to rise, but shines forth and is welcomed by all: so should you not wait for clapping of hands and shouts and praise to do your duty; nay, do good of your own accord, and you will be loved like the Sun.”― EpictetusOne of the ideas that is common in a lot of religions is the idea of doing good works without the fanfare of other people. That we should do things because they are the right things to do, not because everyone will see what we are doing. And here Epictetus uses some great imagery to explain that idea. Just as the sun doesn’t wait for fanfare to shine, we shouldn’t wait to do things just to be seen by others.And what is wrong with that? What is wrong with doing things to be seen by others? We’re still doing good deeds aren’t we? And we get the added benefit of praise from others, so that’s good, right? When we do things just to be seen by others, we are worrying about the opinions of others. If we only do things when we can get praise, then

“As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.”― SenecaWe live in a time where the average lifespan is almost double what it was 200 years ago.Advances in medicine, sanitation, and agriculture have made it possible for more people to live longer.And in many other ways, the physical and external parts of life are better. Life is certainly much easier than it was 200 years ago.But as we work on increasing our lifespans, are we working on increasing the quality of our lives? Are we living a good life?Because what’s the point of living longer, just to live longer?If you live to 100 and you’re unhappy and miserable and treat people poorly, what’s the point?As a good Stoic, you should always keep in mind “Memento Mori”, that you could leave life at any moment, so you shouldn’t expect to live to an old age.It may happen, it may not. It’s something, that for the most part is out of our control, so you should do your best to live a life that, were you to die tomorrow, you’d be pro

“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.”― Marcus AureliusHave you ever considered the possibility that you don’t need to have an opinion about something? That you don’t need to pass judgment on everything?Before you spend your time worrying about something, what if you took the time to decide if it was worth having an opinion about? There are so many things in this world that have no impact on us whatsoever. So why waste your time on these things? How much energy is wasted on who a celebrity is dating or not dating? Or the fact that they were seen in some untrendy store wearing sweatpants and a baseball cap?Have you ever been around someone that had to give their opinion on everything? As if they they were imparting some great wisdom by giving you their uninformed opinion on something that didn’t even matter? In most cases, when we think

“The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” — EpictetusHave you found your tribe? Have you found that group of people that are your “chosen” family, who just make you feel good? Where you feel like you are accepted and understood? Where you don’t feel like you have to be on your guard? You can make mistakes.When you find your tribe, you thrive.It took me years to find my tribe. And the reason that I knew it was my tribe was that I felt like I could just relax and be myself around all these smart and generous people. They accepted me and all my shortcomings, and giving space for others to make mistakes and make amends when needed. But there was always this idea of learning new things and growing,A few weeks ago I was hanging out with my tribe, and a couple of them were moving a van to do some work on it. One of them was pulling the van into the workshop and was trying to get it up open some blocks and almost ran it into the tool racks. My friend who owns