Stoic Coffee Break

Are you disturbed by the political landscape that has changed so rapidly over the last 4 years? As more and more authoritarian parties come into power around the world, we see that hatred towards others - immigrants, refugees, women, minorities - seems to be at an all-time high. In these troubled times, we need to take a look at ourselves and be sure that we don’t fall into the trap of hatred and blaming others for the disappointments in our lives.When we look at today's news, we can see that there seems to be an uptick in political violence. We see leaders being elected that openly advocate violence towards others. Why is this? Why do people feel the need to hate other groups?I think it comes from people feeling disappointed with not getting what they think they deserve in life. And when that disappointment happens, people look for someone or something to blame. Rather than taking the time to think about why they didn’t get what they wanted like most of us, we find it’s easier to blame something outside of o

Why is it hard for us to be vulnerable, especially when it comes to those we care about the most? Partners, children, family, close friends - if these are the people we are the closest to why would be afraid to be ourselves around them? In this weeks episode we’ll talk about vulnerability and the real you.One of the hardest things in this world is to be vulnerable around others. To show people the messy, honest, truest parts of ourselves. And why is this? Why are we often so afraid to be ourselves around those that we consider the closest to us? If these are the most important people in our lives, why do we feel like we need to protect ourselves and not share the deepest, darkest, and most intimate parts of ourselves?Who do You Think You Are?> “I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more> than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions> of himself than on the opinions of others.”>—Marcus AureliusI've talked about this quote on here before, with regards t

Do you struggle to live up to your principles? Do feel like when you make a mistake that all your efforts were not worth it? In this weeks episode, we’re going to talk about how to approach mistakes in a much more helpful way.Some of Seneca’s best works are in the form of letters to his friend Annaeus Serenus. In these, they carry on a dialogue as to how to live a better life. In one of the letters on tranquility Serenus writes to Seneca, describing how he feels he is afflicted with a sickness of mind because while he is very frugal, he is dazzled by the great wealth around him, and feeling dissatisfied with his humble house. He wishes to dedicate himself to public service, yet finds when he runs into difficult patches that he simply wants to give up and head for the leisure of his home. When writing or speaking on behalf of causes that are important to him, when he wishes to keep his language simple and clear, Serenus says:>“Then again, when my mind has been uplifted by the greatness of its thoughts, it b

The Un-Pursuit of HappinessDo you struggle to find happiness within yourself? Do you despair every time you watch the news? In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about how to get over this despair and how pursuing happiness may not be the best to actually finding happiness.There’s an interesting trend in a lot of things I’ve been reading online, namely a sense of despair, hopelessness, and depression almost manifesting itself as nihilism. And why is this? Why do we feel like we’re in such hard times? Is it that things were better in the past and we’ve just lost our way, as many in some circles seem to think?If we look at how things were 100 years ago, most people were likely to be farmers, living a life with a lot of hard work keeping farm animals and harvesting crops - certainly not a life of leisure or comfort. If you lived in the city, you were very likely a factory worker, with less than ideal conditions, often with very long hours because there weren’t a lot of labor laws in place.So why are we, with

Transcript:I talk a lot on this podcast about anger because it’s something that I’ve been working to manage in my own life. And today, I want to talk about the language of anger, and about learning to redefine and talk about anger in a different way.For those that struggle with anger, we often get stuck in a bad pattern of mismanaging how we deal with strong, negative emotions. Something comes up and kicks off your fight or flight instinct kicks up and you find reacting in a way that is way out of proportion to the situation. And the worst part is that we often feel so helpless like it’s a split second reaction to things that are happening around you. You often go from 0 to 60 in just a moments notice. Often, that response is left over programming from things that you had little control over as you were growing up. Trauma can miscalibrate our ability to read a situation properly. Something that might just be annoying or frustrating gets treated with the same level as something more threatening.And it sucks.On

How often do we compare ourselves with others? Why do you we get down on ourselves when someone is better than us at something? This weeks episode is about comparison, and how to get past the need to compare ourselves with others, and change the inner critic.In Episode 146, Fear is the Killer, I touched briefly on how one of the biggest fears in life is the fear of judgment. And while I was mostly referring to the judgments of others, in this episode I want to talk about self-judgment and comparing ourselves to others.For most of us, the person that judges us most harshly is ourselves. When we want to try something that is outside our comfort zone, that voice in our head may tell us that it’s a bad idea or that we’re stupid for even trying. Why is that? Why would sabotage ourselves? I think it’s because our brain’s job is not to help support us in our growth, but to keep us alive. And because so much of our society has been based upon our station in life and being better than others, we equate not being as g

How often do we look outside of ourselves to know what to do? How often do we doubt ourselves and look to others to find a solution to a problem? How often do we seek the opinions of others to feel like we’re on the right path? This weeks episode is about learning how to find the wisdom in yourself.>“Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig.>― Marcus Aurelius, MeditationsThe culture that we grow up in can have a huge impact on us as to how we view the world. If we’re lucky, we have parents, teachers, and friends that teach us how to listen to our own voice and know what we feel, and what is right for us. Many of us don’t get taught these lessons of self-reliance and self-confidence. We’re taught to please our parents, please our teacher, please our church leaders. Paying attention to what we feel and what we know is right for us is highly discouraged, or at the least given little attention. We grow up relying on the opinions of others to know wha

How many great things have never happened because of fear? How many times did you give up on a dream because of fear? This weeks episode, we’re going to talk about fear, what it is, what it does, and how to move past it.This last week, I had the good fortune to be in the studio at the filming of Creative Live’s podcast week. It was one of the most inspiring and amazing growth experiences I’ve been at in years. The energy that present and the generosity of time and knowledge from so many creatives has truly rekindled my own creative juices.But even as I think about all the creative projects that I’d like to complete in the next few months, I kept feeling this fear rise up in my chest. It was a literal feeling that I could feel. A kind of crushing anxiety.>“There are more things likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”>— Seneca (Letters from a Stoic - Letter XIII: On Groundless Fears)My life has been full of a lot of fear. For the most part I

How do you remain true to the aspirations you have? How do you not let other people’s opinions sway you from your principles? This weeks episode is about finding your values and holding true.> “Attach yourself to what is spiritually superior, regardless of what other people think or do. Hold to your true aspirations no matter what is going on around you.”>― EpictetusAs children, we're taught how to get along with others, how to be congenial, to fit in. Kids that are seen as different or weird are often ostracized or teased. As we grow up, I think that most of us have a time in our lives where we feel like we’re not like everyone else, and we try so hard to fit in, and we try to change ourselves into something that we really aren’t. When we do this we have a feeling of being inauthentic. Even if we are “liked” in the moment, it’s a hollow feeling because we know that we fit in by being fake.As we get older, most of us generally find a way to fit in and get along. We may hold onto the religion that we gre

When was the last time that you felt a really strong emotion? What was that emotion? Gratitude? Joy? Anger? Jealousy? Emotions are a powerful force in our lives. When channeled properly, they can be the fuel that helps push us through to accomplishing what we want. They can also drive us in ways that we aren’t expecting or don’t want.I’ve had several listeners reach out to me asking me to talk about how to manage emotions and how to deal with triggering events, so today I want to talk about using stoic ideas to help with regulating emotions. At times, our emotions can seem very overwhelming for us, and push is in a direction that is not helpful and can be damaging. In my own life, I’ve had times where I’ve let my emotions override my common sense and make choices or say things that I later ended up regretting.I’ve talked on this podcast about how I struggle with keeping my temper in check, and the last few weeks have been a bit of a struggle for me. I’ve been dealing with some insomnia, which tends to leave m

As human beings, we have an amazing gift - the ability to be conscious of our own thinking. How are you taking advantage of this gift? When we are unaware of the thoughts running through our head, we are relinquishing control of our mind to the old habits and patterns that we have created in our lives and letting ourselves run on autopilot.“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts: therefore, guard accordingly, and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature.”― Marcus Aurelius, MeditationsMarcus Aurelius is teaching us here that when we spend our time on thoughts that don’t help us on our path to virtue, we are making ourselves unhappy. The stoics remind us over and over that we are in control of the thoughts we entertain and those thoughts lead to our choices, which lead to the outcomes of our lives.From the moment we wake till the time we fall asleep, our minds are constantly churning through thoughts. Much of this thinking is just everyday

Why do we feel a sense of injury when disagrees with us? Why do we feel hurt when someone tells us we are wrong? In this week’s episode, we’re going to talk why were worry so much about what others think of us and how to learn to deal with our ego.“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.”― Marcus Aurelius“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”— AnonymousOne of the aspect of stoicism that has been most difficult for me has been learning to not let the opinions of other affect me. I don’t that I’m alone in this. I think most people, struggle with this aspect of life. So why is that? Why do we worry about what others think of us?We are social animals so we naturally crave the approval and acceptance of other people. Working together is how our species not only survived, but have been able to dominate this planet.The media, especially fashion magazines make their living off selling others the latest hot trend of what will make others like and admire you.Social m

I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation and how we accomplish the goals that we set out to do. And I think there’s a bit a confusion about motivation and how it helps us get things done. Let’s take a look at the definition of motivation:The state or condition of being motivated or having a strong reason to act or accomplish somethingAnd let’s look at the definition of willpower:Control of one's impulses and actions; self-control.Motivation is the reason why you want to do something. It’s the fuel that gets going. It is not the thing that actually propels you. The engine that actually gets you to do something is willpower.Willpower is “like a muscle that can be strengthened with use, but it also gets fatigued with use,” says John Tierney, co-author of Willpower, with Roy F. Baumeister. If you simply rely on willpower to get you to do something, it’s going to take a lot of effort. According to the authors, the best way to reduce willpower fatigue is to turn something into a habit or a routine, which takes a l

“Circumstances don’t make the man, they only reveal him to himself.”– EpictetusHow do we deal with difficulties? Do we see them as challenges or opportunities? As something that is to be suffered through, or something that teaches us who we are? In today's episode, we're going to talk about difficult circumstances and how they are the things we should be most grateful for.Show Notes:What does that mean? Aren’t tough challenges supposed to make us stronger?The stoics remind us that circumstances in and of themselves are neutral. They are not good or bad unless we label it so. It’s our thinking about a situation that makes it a problem - or an opportunity.The same thing can happen to two different people and one person may see it as an intractable problem, something to complain about or run and hide from. The other can see it as an opportunity to learn and grow, and they dig in and push through.It’s often hard to prepare for challenges because we get comfortable when things are going well. We like it when thing

Show Notes:How many times have we made judgments about someone when we first meet them, that later turn out to be completely wrong?“Impressions, striking a person’s mind as soon as he perceives something within range of his senses, are not voluntary or subject to his will, they impose themselves on people’s attention almost with a will of their own. But the act of assent which endorses these impressions is voluntary and a function of the human will.”– EpictetusWe are constantly being bombarded by strong impressions, and making snap judgments.We’re constantly creating unconscious judgments about things and people.We compare ourselves to others - our friends, or neighbors, our family members.We see someone we’re attracted to and we make all kinds of judgments about what kind of person we think they might be. They’re pretty so they must be smart...or dumb.We see someone that is maybe less attractive, or disheveled and we make judgments about them. Maybe we think they are lazy.We judge people by their clothes, by

“Putting things off is the biggest waste of life: it snatches away each day as it comes, and denies us the present by promising the future. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow, and loses today. You are arranging what lies in Fortune's control, and abandoning what lies in yours. What are you looking at? To what goal are you straining? The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately.”– SenecaDo you think too much about the future that you are not living in today?This quote from Seneca hits two really great points of the Stoics.Momento Mori, remember you will die, and because we could die at any moment, there really is no other time than now. There is now and not now.Amor Fati, love your fate. Because we have so little control over what happens to us in life, worrying about the future is worrying about something that may never happen.So when you think about it, the only thing you have control over is your choices at this moment.Many of the great philosophies and religi

“Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes. Therefore, give yourself fully to your endeavors. Decide to construct your character through excellent actions and determine to pay the price of a worthy goal. The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. Remain steadfast...and one day you will build something that endures: something worthy of your potential.”― EpictetusShow Notes:One of most important habits to cultivate is a strong work ethic.Time and dedicated effort make it more fulfilling.There’s a saying: “How you do one thing is how you do everything.”Often, trying to take shortcuts, we’re often wasting more time going back to fix what wasn’t done well, than if we’d just done it right in the first place.Sometimes, best shortcut is to do good work.And if you’re going to put effort into something, why half ass your way through it? That’s wasted time.If we’re always looking for the easy way, then we may miss out on a more difficult path that has a greater reward.Hard work makes us to get str

“The honest and good man ought to be exactly like a man who smells strong, so that the bystander, as soon as he comes near him, must smell him whether he chooses or not.”― Marcus AureliusShow Notes:This quote cracked me up.And even though Marcus Aurelius was the Emperor of Rome, I like that fact that he had a sense of humor.His example is a potent reminder that we shouldn’t have to tell people how good we are, they should just notice.Because if someone has to tell people how good a person they are, then they probably aren’t.It’s like when someone says, “Trust me.” The fact that they had to say that now makes me wonder if there is something that I shouldn’t trust about them.It should simply be part of our essence.And while he was being humorous here, we as humans use our senses all the time when we meet other people.Often when we meet someone, we get a certain feeling or “vibe” from someone.We call it a gut feeling or instinct, and while it’s not always right, more times than not, we’re on the scent, and I’ve

“You must know that it is no easy thing for a principle to become a man's own, unless each day he maintain it and hear it maintained, as well as work it out in life.”– EpictetusShow Notes:How often do we hear something, think that we understand it, but yet it still takes us quite a while to make it a part of our daily life?Change is not easy.Studies show that it takes 3-6 weeks for a habit to become ingrained, depending on the complexity of the habit.It also depends on if you are trying create a new habit or replace an existing habit.And that’s just for a single habit done daily.How much information do you get in your life that you want to implement?How many things are there that distract you from your habit?If we want something to become a habit, I’ve found that it’s best to focus on one thing.Work on it until you don’t have to think about it.Then move on the next thing, and repeat.If you want to exercise, do it every day, even if you don’t do it well.If you want to be less angry, first pay attention to your

“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ”― EpictetusShow Notes:If you were to sit down and write a list of all the things that you want in your life, what would be on that list?Maybe a new house, a new car, new clothes?Would the things that you already have be on the list of things you want?One of the core tenets of Stoicism being grateful for the things that we already have.Because if you can want what you already have, you’ve already found a way to bump up your happiness.One of the facets of modern day marketing is that if there is not a natural market for what you are selling, then they work to create demand for products.Marketing works hard to make you feel like you are missing out, then offer you the solution to fix whatever ails you.That if we only we had the newest, shiniest, new thing, then we could feel happy.And it’s not to say that all marketing is bad. Marketing also lets us know about things that we may be truly interested in.And