Again With This: Beverly Hills, 90210

Donna is saving tons of money on sales tax by buying fabric and other materials online, but has she ever thought about opening her own website to sell her designs online?! She's hesitant about the financial outlay not just to promote the store with banners on search engines, but also to...actually manufacture and stock the items they'd be trying to sell. Camille brightly says that's why Donna shouldn't even consider spending her own money on any of this stuff, and instead should solicit seed money! It's a hard no from Donna, which is of course why Camille ignores her and goes straight to Dylan to pitch him on investing in the venture. Donna lets Dylan talk her into pitching her that night, and she does come around (not just to the idea of a website, but also to dating David's designer friend, Mitch). Meanwhile, David picks a fight with Camille about having gone behind Donna's back, but is that even what he's actually mad about? Speaking of mad, Kelly notices that Matt's been in a crabby mood ever since he got

A chance encounter with Keith, a guy tabling on Melrose about marine ecology, leads Alison to an environmental lecture...then drinks.....then dinner.........and then some pretty polished seduction for someone who says he just got out of a very long-term relationship and has probably slept with fewer people than Alison has. Billy suspects Keith is too good to be true, but could Billy possibly be right? He's certainly wrong about personal finance, as we learn when he investigates his many failed credit card applications and finds out he has bad credit. But what could a recent college graduate who, until recently, lived with his parents have possibly done to make himself such a bad risk? Prepare to learn all about what passed for "crippling student debt" back in 1992. Jane decides it's time for her to lose the last five pounds she put on during her pregnancy, because surely that will remedy whatever lingering feelings of dissatisfaction or vague sadness are continuing to plague her -- you know, about the fit of

Lonely Donna is increasingly frustrated by how much sex everyone around her is having: not only must she listen to Kelly's sex squeals, but when she tries to drown them out with the radio, she hears Camille calling in to David's dumb radio show to tell him all about her fantasy about having sex in public. She thinks she's successfully box-blocked her by loading her up with after-hours work at the store, only to come back in later and discover that the public sex location these two boobs have chosen is her store. Donna is more upset than ever to have David's relationship with someone other than her shoved in her face; Camille points out to David that the reason Donna's having such an outsized reaction to this is that Donna herself is into David. Will either David OR Donna accept reality and stop this pantsing around (as it were)? Speaking of Donna's exes: Noah shocks us all not only by going to an AA meeting but remembering a lot of information about Ellen, one of his fellow Friends Of Bill W., keeping her fro

Can it possibly be time again for another roommate spat between Alison and Billy? Already?! It is. This time, Alison gets snippy about Billy violating her privacy, and given that she catches him capering around the laundry room modeling one of her bras for Jake (and...not in a sexy way), we kind of have to take her side. But Billy is convinced that there's something more under her rage beyond the obvious. The Mancinis are getting ready for Jane's first ultrasound, but Michael's mean doctor boss won't take him off the roster for a surgery that conflicts with her appointment, leaving Jane alone when her OB/GYN gives her some terrible news. Afterward, no one can get Michael to talk about his feelings -- not Jane, but not even Michael's best platonic pal at the hospital, a certain Dr. Shaw. HMMMMM. We discuss "A Promise Broken" in our latest podcast! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Dylan doesn't kick Jack out of the hotel before finding out that he's there because Kelly got in touch with him; he's in Los Angeles to try to see what kind of relationship he and Dylan can have. Dylan's still pouty, and resists, but can't really stay that angry, which leads Jack to hatch a brilliant plan: what if Dylan entered Witness Protection with "Eddie"? Or, better yet, what if Jack left the program, hired a full-time private security team, and tried his luck with the various underworld reasons whose desire to kill him are the reason he went into the program in the first place? MUCH TO CONSIDER. David has, very improbably, been recruited for a radio job in New York. Camille is pretty sure their month-long relationship won't survive the distance, and Donna isn't ready to say goodbye to her very platonic friend and nothing more. Ryan's still trifling around Los Angeles, but with Noah's help he hatches a new plan for the rest of his life: he's going to become a bar back! It falls to Steve to try to browbea

Production on the pilot is over, so now the cast must wait to see if the network is going to pick it up. A lot goes on during their forced idleness: Shay tells Brian that, thanks to the DNA testing she had done on the sly, she knows Zach is not related to him biologically. Jennie finds out that Wyatt is maybe waaaaaaaaay too into her. And Shannen rescues a possum! Will our gang get to keep working together, or will Fox put its support behind a revival of The O.C. instead? We discuss "The Long Wait," the season finale (which...may also be the series finale), in our latest podcast! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

The sets burned down! No company will insure the production! Fox has opened an HR investigation and LAPD is looking into who might have a vendetta against the cast! When she's not accusing one of her former love interests of various felonies, Tori's freaking out about shooting a love scene, Brian's messing up his relationship with Zach, Gabby's still not sure where she falls on the sexual spectrum, and Shannen can't stop rescuing strays who...turn out to belong to Tori, actually. Will this pilot ever get off the ground, and is Jason in the right frame of mind to give it the attention it requires?! We discuss all of this in our podcast on "Picture's Up"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Anna's pilot script lands with a wet thud at the table read, even though she's watched every episode of the original series twice! (Amateur.) The members of her cast disrespectfully announce that they're going to scrap the whole thing and rewrite it themselves -- despite the fact that none of them is even kind of a writer -- but since Ian has made it his project to win Anna over, he figures out a way to bring her into the process, secretly, and understand where they're all coming from. Meanwhile, Shay hires a PI to find out who leaked her unfinished song, and ends up finding out the extent of Zach's shadiness. But is he also the stalker who is continuing to menace the cast? We discuss it all in our podcast on "The Table Read"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Tori's wish to pay homage to the iconic "cuddle puddle" promo pic from the original show's second season runs into problems -- like a feud between Jason and the show's head writer, and a literal fire on the set. With Christine riding her to keep Fox's billion-dollar franchise on track, Tori must face her fear of confrontation, rise above Nate's doubts, and trek to Peru to retrieve the show's last holdout, Shannen. We discuss all this and more in our podcast on "The Photo Shoot"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Following her brilliant idea at the end of "The Pitch," Tori brings Jennie to pitch Fox on a Beverly Hills, 90210 reboot. They're ready to buy it in the room on the assumption that everyone in the cast wants to do it...so Tori has to convince everyone that they want to do it. Everyone has both demands and messy personal issues, so will Tori be able to channel her late father's producing talent and pull it off? Find out with our podcast on "The Pitch"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

All your (extant) old friends from the original cast of Beverly Hills, 90210 are back...to play heightened, "comic" versions of themselves. In some cases, the comedy derives from real issues they're facing, like financial difficulties (Tori), a shiftless husband (Tori again), and a widely reported fall into a hibachi (guess who). Others have made up fake problems, like being outshone by a famous wife who's a pop star (Brian) or getting cuckolded by a fitness model wife (Ian). Is it actually funny? Is it, if not funny, at least interesting??? We'll break it down in our podcast on "The Reunion"! JOIN THE AWT CLUB

Billy has the bad luck to take a wrong turn in south central Los Angeles, get blocked in a dead end by a Cadillac full of toughs, and gets his cab beaten with baseball bats. He refuses to accept the cheery view of the situation as presented by the detective on his case, Alison, and all his neighbors, which is that he wasn't physically harmed; instead, he's focused on the part where the detective declines to give him false hope about the likelihood that the perps will be apprehended, and starts making sweeping racist statements about the neighbourhood where the incident occurred; challenged by Rhonda not to, you know, spew hate speech all over the courtyard, he refuses to back down and lies to Alison -- for the second time in two episodes -- to get her to lend him her car so that he and Jake can go vigilanting in hopes of bringing the cops a plate number. Since the episode is airing just a few months after the 1992 L.A. uprising, Rhonda is also moved to confront her own privilege as a black person insulated by

Dylan and Steve haven't gotten anywhere trying to get information about "Eddie Waitkus" from his fellow airline passengers, so Dylan, unemployed Kelly, and client-cold-calling wash-out Matt all go to the airport to try to interrogate "Eddie's flight crew. One decides to ignore confidentiality and give Dylan a tip on the town in Arizona she's heard Eddie mention; Kelly poses as Eddie's wife to get a copy of the family's cable bill with their address on it; and Kelly and Dylan both go to stake out the house. But when Dylan sees Eddie/Jack come home to his loving wife and son, will he lose his nerve to confront his father about...totally being alive? Noah is slightly injured from his leap through the beach apartment window, and now sober enough to be embarrassed about it. While Donna continues monitoring his mental state, David monitors hers, and Camille gets increasingly irritated by the fact that this arrangement leaves no one to care for her. Steve's shitty brother Randy comes back for spring break, and we le

Billy is drawn to the butt of a woman trying to fix her busted car. Her name is Dawn, and has more to recommend her than just her butt; Billy likes her even more when he finds out she's a standup comic, and drags his friends along to her bringer show. He's hinting around that he'd like her to invite him in when...the door opens and he sees why she's not: Dawn has a son. Billy gets way too serious way too fast, lying to Alison to get her to loan him money so that he can pass it on to Dawn to fix her car. Alison keeps trying to get Billy to understand there's more to parenting than taking the kid to Magic Mountain, but it takes him walking into the middle of a vicious fight between Dawn and her ex to make him understand she might be right. Elsewhere, when Jake expresses jealousy of Michael's marriage and imminent baby, Michael advises him about how to take it slow with a romantic partner. Jake thinks Sandy might be a good prospect...but is he right? Find out with our discussion of "Responsibly Yours"! JOIN THE

A news report Dylan might never have even registered if he wasn't kicking Steve's ass at Rock And Roll Jeopardy so bad that Steve had to start flipping channels reveals something shocking: Dylan's dead dad Jack has an exact double, whose plane just had an emergency landing! No one wants to believe Dylan's suspicions that Jack might actually be alive -- not his friends, and certainly not FBI agent/Jack's former fiancée, Christine -- but Dylan can't let it go. David gets into a STUFFy situation with Camille due to a misinterpreted conversation about fur (really), leading him to panic about his sexual prowess (probably justified) in which he involves all his friends (not something Camille signed on for). At the same time, Donna is tanking her possible relationship with Beat printer Irv because she feels obligated to serve as Noah's one and only source of emotional support. And with just three days to work on the strategy to ensure that gay students' civil rights are violated in California public schools, Kelly m

Sandy and Rhonda are goofing around trying on hats when Jackie Harris's boyfriend Fisher (where my Roseanne-heads at) happens by and finds her instantly irresistible. He doesn't seem to notice that they're not clicking and insists on following her back to the complex, where he continues being totally unable to pick up on social cues like what it actually means when someone declines further dates because her life is "really complicated right now." Then he shows up at the pool the next day and starts ingratiating himself to all of Sandy's roommates, who basically order her to give him a chance, up to and including when he starts leaving creepy messages on her answering machine. Jake, of course, decides that the solution is for him to insert himself (and his fists). While everyone else is refusing to pick up on warning signs that a dude is a straight-up stalker, Alison is in denial about whether she needs to get rid of her beloved old car, Betsy. (Yes, that's what passes for a B-plot at this point in the show's

When we last saw Dr. Martin, he was lying on the floor at his house...and he never got up, because he was dead. Everyone is upset about it, though only Kelly and David manage to fight through their grief and concern for Donna to suggest that Gina killed Dr. Martin by making him exercise as though he, a CARDIAC SURGEON, wasn't sure how much exertion was safe for him. Between their shitty speculation and Kelly's accusation that Dylan took unnecessary risks during Noah's kidnapping because he was chasing an adrenaline rush, Dylan and Gina both decide they have no further need to remain in Los Angeles after Dr. Martin's funeral, and start saying their goodbyes. Matt's suspension having apparently lost him every last one of his clients, Kelly is more motivated than ever to sign on with the big PR firm our old friend Pia has been recruiting her to join -- and what luck, her first assignment is to work on a ballot initiative regarding gay clubs in public high schools, because surely any company Kelly would work for

Sandy does her mentor Charles Nelson Reilly proud by nailing her audition for a horror movie and booking the part. Naturally, her friends and neighbours are thrilled for her, but when she has to blow off their surprise party for a networking bash in the Hollywood Hills, everyone starts being a little less thrilled for her. Sandy's own excitement starts to ebb when she gets to the set and finds out the director wants to shoot her topless. Billy realizes he can't blow off his father's birthday party, largely because his sisters already decided to, so he tries to minimize the hassle his dad is going to give him about his career by bringing Alison (though he's also kind of forced to given that he's told his parents she's his girlfriend). Instead of standing firm with his father about pursuing his writing, Billy decides to honour the deal they'd made, and spend a year working in the family furniture store, though maybe his father wouldn't have pushed it if he'd known Billy planned to bitch about it the whole time.

Since no one would have noticed otherwise, Josie has to come tell Dylan that Shane kidnapped Noah. And since Dylan is an idiot, he decides not to involve the police at all in delivering the full $1 million ransom Shane is demanding and co-operates with Josie in arranging for the handoff, because who could be more trustworthy than the drug dealer whose debt is the reason Shane needs the money in the first place? Donna lingers around the edges as Dr. Martin, freed by Felice's trip out of town, reaches out to Gina for the first time since Christmas. A dinner date gets awkward, but Gina and Dr. Martin keep trying; she's even calling him "Dad"! Surely their relationship can only keep getting better for the rest of one of their lives! Donna's much more involved as Matt signs himself and Kelly up for Lovers' Lane, a Newlywed Game ripoff with a cash prize of $25,000. Ill-timed food poisoning for Kelly requires a willing second to play her on TV, and STUFF ensues. David has the misfortune of having started dating some

When Alison literally ends a poker party by boring everyone with tales of her college cramming techniques, Jake is the only one intrigued...because it turns out he's about to take the GED exam and would like her help studying; he'd also like her to keep this whole project a secret from the rest of the nitwits in the complex, which of course means that when a bunch of them catch Alison coming out of Jake's apartment at 7 AM on a Saturday having fallen asleep amongst the books, they all jump to the wrong conclusion and Alison is too scrupulous to correct them. Billy and Sandy are united in not even caring if Jake and Alison are hooking up! They don't care at all!!! Rhonda is strangely ambivalent about attending a performance by a dance company featuring her old friend, Theresa. Matt gets the whole story over dinner with both of them: Rhonda and Theresa were both up for a spot in the company, but Rhonda broke her foot and missed the audition, and now she teaches Cardio Funk while Theresa enthralls audiences as a