Breaking The Boy Code

“We carry guilt and regret on the calm blue waters. We carry the carnage of our home. We carry the dreams of our ancestors on our young backs.” — 14-year-old YoelI heard back in one of our first recording sessions that the boys who participated in season four of Breaking the Boy Code had written spoken word poems as part of a school assignment—poems where they reflected on their identities and experiences with racism and expectation and past, present, future. There was a lot of pride in their voices, so I said we’d come back the next week and record their poems so that the world could hear them speak from the heart.First you’ll hear from Betsaleel, then Siddig, then Yoel and lastly Aksayan. CONNECTBreaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at boypodcast@nextgenmen.ca or on social media.@boypodcast on I

You have to imagine us in the school library one last time—wearing masks and sitting six feet apart, having persevered through multiple delays from school closures and the unpredictability of the pandemic—the boys giving their hearts and speaking their truth, joking with each other, learning from each other, and volunteering to imprint part of their adolescence online in a podcast.As we wrap up season four of Breaking the Boy Code, Betsa, Siddig, Aksayan and Yoel finish their adapted Skills Assessment worksheets from The Umbrella Project and examine what they’ve learned about themselves and each other. They explore their kindergarten memories, how they manage emotions like anger and sadness, and the impact of self-efficacy and masculinity on their lives.From heartwarming tributes to practical mindfulness tips, this conversation covers the joys, challenges, and cultural significance unique to their individual identities.And as we sit alongside them, Adrian and I once again witness the enduring resilience of yo

Before this session, my friend and past colleague Adrian and I played around with the Skills Assessment tool developed by The Umbrella Project—ultimately adding two categories called ‘resistance’ and ‘culture’ to discuss with our group of seventh- and eighth-grade boys of colour.In this episode, we unpack some of the complexities boys face in cultural communities and staying authentic. Siddig stresses the importance of self-compassion and being true to oneself, and Adrian shares candid thoughts on the difficulties of expressing emotions and the vital role of support systems.We explore the significance of community in overcoming daily challenges and systemic barriers, debate kindness versus respect, and discuss adopting a growth mindset for personal development.SOURCESThe Umbrella Project, Prepare Your Students for the Rain Of Life → CONNECTBreaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Le

This week on Breaking the Boy Code, we continue our discussion on the power of representation in the media and on screen. Betsa, Siddig, Aksayan and Yoel explore the impact of seeing themselves in characters like Miles Morales, Naruto, and Will Smith's iconic Fresh Prince. From the startlingly low percentage of BIPOC characters in children’s books to the increase in lead roles of color in films, it’s evident that while progress is being made, there’s still a long way to go.The takeaway? Representation matters. It fuels dreams, builds confidence, and shows young people the heights they can achieve.SOURCESSpider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, What’s Up Danger →The Opportunity Agenda, Media Portrayals and Black Male Outcomes → CONNECTBreaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at boypodcast@nextgenmen.ca or o

Whether it’s TikTok or Fortnite or the MCU, you can’t talk with preteen boys without talking about media. This week with Betsa, Siddig, Aksayan and Yoel, we discuss the damaging stereotypes in media, the need for more authentic stories, and the powerful impact of seeing oneself reflected on screen and in the media.The boys share firsthand accounts of how these representations affect their lives and their desires for the future. We also touch on some heartfelt personal stories, illuminating why visibility and accurate portrayal in the media are more important than ever.SOURCESSpider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, What’s Up Danger →The Opportunity Agenda, Media Portrayals and Black Male Outcomes → CONNECTBreaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at boypodcast@nextgenmen.ca or on social media.@boypodcast on

With that in mind, we discuss the dynamics of trust within family and friendships, the impact of racial stereotypes, and the emotional masks boys wear to navigate societal expectations. Through exercises and reflections, we unpack what it means to choose what to show the world and what to keep hidden.From Betsa’s struggle with being misjudged at school to Siddiq’s battle with exclusion and stereotypes, their stories shed light on the resilience required to stay true to oneself despite societal pressures.SOURCESAshanti Branch, The Masks We All Wear → CONNECTBreaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how you can support us at nextgenmen.ca. Reach out at boypodcast@nextgenmen.ca or on social media.@boypodcast on Instagram, YouTube and Vimeo@nextgenmen on Instagram and LinkedIn

This week on Breaking the Boy Code, we explore the intersection of boyhood and race. Seventh- and eighth-graders, Yoel, Betsa, Aksayan, Kamari and Siddig, share heartfelt stories of navigating cultural identity, racial stereotypes, and societal expectations for boys.We candidly discuss tough topics, including being watched and judged, while also celebrating the rich heritage and customs that shape who these young men are. The episode wraps up with empowering messages on staying curious, proving doubters wrong, and a call to action for positive masculinity. Join us on this inspiring journey to understand and embrace our diverse identities.SOURCESSentell Harper, Alternative Names for Black Boys →Christina Caron, Why Are More Black Kids Suicidal? A Search for Answers. →Carl James, We Rise Together → CONNECTBreaking the Boy Code is part of the NGM Podcast Network. Next Gen Men is a nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging boys and men in the movement for gender justice. Learn more about our efforts and how yo

Season four of Breaking the Boy Code is a collaborative project with a group of five students at a nearby middle school. Together with my friend and past colleague Adrian, we engage the boys—seventh-graders Betsa and Siddig, who identify as Congolese and Sudanese; and eighth-graders Aksayan, Yoel and Kamari, who are Sri Lankan, Eritrean, and Jamaican part Indigenous—in a series of discussions on the intersection of masculinity and race.This week, the boys talk about gender norms and how they impact boys who look like them. They unpack the difference between the ‘boy code’ and the ‘bro code’ and what they mean for boys’ friendships—highlighting both the positive aspects, such as bringing friends closer and providing emotional support, and the negative aspects, like ego issues or not having each other's backs in tough situations.From restrictions on clothing choices to societal norms limiting emotional expression, the boys share personal stories and start exploring what it feels like to challenge these stereoty

In the midst of everything that was going on, Louis ended up switching to a new school. That meant leaving behind his friendships, but it also offered an opportunity to set aside who had been in the past and try out a version of himself closer to the kind of young man he wanted to become. This is friendship, violence, shame and vulnerability—but more than anything else, Louis’ story is a story of transformation.At a new school and among a new group of peers, Louis noticed a boy in his class who was being targeted and harassed for not fitting in. He risked his social status with his peers—and went behind the teacher’s back—to be the ally that his classmate desperately needed.He still gets called a fag sometimes. But in the journey of discovering true friendship, aligning with his values and standing up for others, he developed social skills, toughness and an unparalleled clarity of purpose. This is the kind of young man our world needs. His story is the roadmap to get there.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcas

As his friends got out on probation and their victim started to recover, Louis was left to wrestle with immense and challenging feelings about what was going on. He felt guilty that he had hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He was afraid of losing a group of friends that had meant a lot to him. He felt helpless to stop them from perpetrating further violence.He wanted to be better but he didn’t know how.As he started seeking forgiveness and building a relationship with Matthew, he had to go through the challenge of forging a new friendship, and he had to figure out if it was still possible to hang out with guys whom he no longer trusted. Perhaps most importantly, he had to face himself. Listen to Louis unpack those feelings with me, and share from the heart about his uncertain experience of not being defined by his past, and instead being committed to his future.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow

As Louis spent more time with his new group of friends, he started going along with them as they verbally harassed another classmate, Matthew. He figured it was no big deal, but things started to escalate when Matthew decided to tell their teacher what was going on. Louis’ friend group didn’t like getting snitched on, so they got into a fight with Matthew after school.Matthew told on them again. Louis and his friends decided there was hell to pay, and assaulted him so badly he went to the hospital with four broken ribs and had to be monitored for lung damage. This time, Matthew pressed charges.Sit with Louis as he wrestles with the feelings that started weighing on him in the weeks that followed—the guilt and shame of hurting another person, the betrayal of getting laughed at by his friends when he told them to stop, and his growing determination to make a change.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow

Louis’ first day at the new school was a grey day in December. He had to get forced out of the car, he got lost in the big, old and crowded building; and he hated the too-cheery holiday decorations. After a couple of days, he started bringing a paperback with him and pretended to read it at lunch in order to avoid the awkwardness of the unfamiliar place and new group of peers.But during gym class on day, a boy named Jackson sat down beside him. Jackson struck up a conversation with him, and before Louis knew it, he had been invited over to hang out with Jackson’s friends after school. Listen to Louis revisit his feelings from that time, reminisce about after-school skateboard sessions and prank calls, and ultimately lay out how much this group of friends really meant to him.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow @boypodcast on Twitter and Instagram for podcast-related updates and masculinity-related n

I first met 11-year-old Louis because he was bullying another boy. Badly. To an extent that included going to the hospital and going to juvenile detention.Over the span of 2021, Louis embarked on one of the bravest journeys I’ve seen a kid his age undertake. He built his empathy for the other boy, he faced his guilt for the hurt he had caused, he switched friend groups and committed to standing up for those who were vulnerable instead of targeting them.So when he told me he wanted to be part of the podcast, I knew he had something to say.Coming soon wherever you listen to podcasts.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow @boypodcast on Twitter and Instagram for podcast-related updates and masculinity-related news.

One of my earliest memories with Joseph is hanging out with him at a park when he was around 10 years old. He spent most of his time climbing trees with his friends. Since then, climbing has become a steady passion for him—it’s his primary sport, his job, one of his favourite things to do and one of his biggest aspirations in life.We’ve spent countless hours underneath bouldering walls and pull-up bars. I’ve worked out with him, listened to him blast Apashe, and watched him grow into a remarkable young athlete. I asked him to join for a podcast episode so we could capture this moment in his life.Then I connected with an Olympic medalist named Jason Rogers. This is what we created.FURTHER READINGJason Rogers writes The Mandate Letter, a patient and meaningful exploration of the world of masculinity that features in-depth research and thought-provoking interviews on relevant topics. SOURCESWilliam Pollack, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood →Michael Thompson, Speaking of Boys: Answers to the

I’ve known Jack for several years. We’ve been in touch throughout the pandemic, from the initial school closures and cancellation of his summer camp to the uncertainty of a new school year and ongoing boredom of life without the social closeness and sports teams that he expected to experience in high school.Jack’s story of two-hour online classes and tentative new friends, frustration with masks and enjoyment on Minecraft isn’t representative of every young person this year, but his search for engaging learning experiences and meaningful connections with peers is an important snapshot of adolescence in the pandemic.For those of us who know boys, we’ve got work to do.Continue reading on MediumFURTHER READINGJon’s book My Bad: 24 Educators Who Messed Up, Fessed Up & Grew delves into the importance of vulnerability for educators, and how we can grow my acknowledging our mistakes for ourselves, our colleagues and our students. Michael and Richard Hawley’s research was published in a must-have resource for tea

I often talk about suicide like it’s a statistic—the fact that it was the leading cause of death for teenage boys in Canada in 2018, for example; that rates of suicide attempts among trans youth are as high as 78%; that 70% of mental heatlh problems begin in childhood or adolescence.  Suicide is more than numbers. It’s a difficult and ongoing thing that I face in my conversations with young people, and it’s personal. I wanted to write something for World Suicide Prevention Day, but it was hard. This whole thing is hard.In the end, that’s what made me decide to record this. It’s messy. It has broken edges and a slam poem that I wrote in a single night five years ago. But it’s my effort at saying something worth saying.If you are in crisis, Kids Help Phone is accessible and anonymous 24/7 at 1-800-668-6868, text CONNECT to 686868 or live chat at kidshelpphone.ca. 911 for emergencies.LINKSIf you thought this piece was worthwhile, support it on Patreon .Email breakingtheboycode@gmail.com to get in touch. Connect

Several months ago, Evan invited me to see his middle school musical. The night of the show, I rode my bike across town and found a seat next to his dad, who was watching for the second time. The audience filled up, and the lights went down.It ended up being a remarkably good show, but one of the most memorable moments for me took place right away in the opening number. Evan was unmistakeable in the front row, eyes darkened with makeup and shining at the audience. His voice carried through the ensemble. His body committed entirely to the scene. He was captivating. That was the moment I wondered if he had a story to be told.Continue reading on MediumFURTHER READINGYou can read about the Dream Crazier ad campaign that Evan talked about on Nike News, and watch the video itself on Vimeo.SOURCESNiobe Way, Intimacy, Desire, and Distrust in the Friendships of Adolescent Boys →Clementine Ford, Boys Will Be Boys →Michael Chabon, My Son, The Prince of Fashion →LINKSIf you thought this episode was worthwhile, support it

Logan moved to Florida at the end of the summer. I’ll never know entirely what he left behind in California. I know that he had half a dozen friends on his street and the next, that on early mornings he would go to one of their houses for breakfast before bicycling together to school. I know that his grade at school held a lot of trust between themselves and cried at their graduation ceremony. I know that they were almost always together.The new school isn’t the same. It’s a private school built for achievement, serving a highly ambitious student population and no single school district. It’s meant a lot of changes for Logan, with one of the most significant being the depth of his relationships with his peers.Over the months, he’s also noticed changes within himself. While he still identifies the same strengths in himself that I do—his capacity for connection, his thoughtfulness and selflessness—he sees himself reflecting the attitudes and priorities of the people around him. “I don’t know if it’s just high s

January 29, 2017 saw the worst mass murder in a house of worship in Canadian history: the Québec City mosque shooting in which six Muslim worshippers were killed and 19 injured.Rehan was ten. “I remember when it happened,” he said on the podcast. “That night, I actually started crying because I was like, ‘What if that ever happened to me?’”Islamophobia is on the rise in Canada. It’s perhaps most visible in the forms of explicit violence such as the massacre in Québec City, but it also manifests in schoolyard jokes and whitewashed media. Girls having their hjiabs torn off; refugees being told to leave. A kid like Rehan who can describe racism as easily as his evening prayers.Violence doesn’t end just because you cross a border. And just because we can point to a historical event and say that it was an example of Islamophobia doesn’t mean that it’s not still happening now. It is still happening. We need to talk about it.Continue reading on MediumFurther ReadingFatmeh mentioned the Centre for Race and Culture an

Breaking the Boy Code began in March 2018, or the summer of 2017, or April 2014 depending on your parameters. But some part of it has its roots in an underweight boy with too many bracelets and long blonde hair—because if you had asked me when I was young what I thought about gender stereotypes and rules about masculinity, I would have had a lot to say.I learned at a young age that some things are not allowed for boys, and some things result in violence that I wasn’t ready for. I was told I was doing it wrong. I was told I was a girl. I was called a fag before I knew what a fag was. As I navigated the winding path of both resistance and adherence to the rules of masculinity, I went to great lengths to hide or change parts of who I was. And while I had some great teachers, I also had teachers who were unprepared to intervene on homophobic violence in their classrooms.I’m now an educator, and I’ve seen firsthand the impact of committed and authentic relationships with boys. Boys are saying: ‘We want change. We