Breaking The Boy Code

In the midst of everything that was going on, Louis ended up switching to a new school. That meant leaving behind his friendships, but it also offered an opportunity to set aside who had been in the past and try out a version of himself closer to the kind of young man he wanted to become. This is friendship, violence, shame and vulnerability—but more than anything else, Louis’ story is a story of transformation.At a new school and among a new group of peers, Louis noticed a boy in his class who was being targeted and harassed for not fitting in. He risked his social status with his peers—and went behind the teacher’s back—to be the ally that his classmate desperately needed.He still gets called a fag sometimes. But in the journey of discovering true friendship, aligning with his values and standing up for others, he developed social skills, toughness and an unparalleled clarity of purpose. This is the kind of young man our world needs. His story is the roadmap to get there.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcas

As his friends got out on probation and their victim started to recover, Louis was left to wrestle with immense and challenging feelings about what was going on. He felt guilty that he had hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He was afraid of losing a group of friends that had meant a lot to him. He felt helpless to stop them from perpetrating further violence.He wanted to be better but he didn’t know how.As he started seeking forgiveness and building a relationship with Matthew, he had to go through the challenge of forging a new friendship, and he had to figure out if it was still possible to hang out with guys whom he no longer trusted. Perhaps most importantly, he had to face himself. Listen to Louis unpack those feelings with me, and share from the heart about his uncertain experience of not being defined by his past, and instead being committed to his future.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow

As Louis spent more time with his new group of friends, he started going along with them as they verbally harassed another classmate, Matthew. He figured it was no big deal, but things started to escalate when Matthew decided to tell their teacher what was going on. Louis’ friend group didn’t like getting snitched on, so they got into a fight with Matthew after school.Matthew told on them again. Louis and his friends decided there was hell to pay, and assaulted him so badly he went to the hospital with four broken ribs and had to be monitored for lung damage. This time, Matthew pressed charges.Sit with Louis as he wrestles with the feelings that started weighing on him in the weeks that followed—the guilt and shame of hurting another person, the betrayal of getting laughed at by his friends when he told them to stop, and his growing determination to make a change.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow

Louis’ first day at the new school was a grey day in December. He had to get forced out of the car, he got lost in the big, old and crowded building; and he hated the too-cheery holiday decorations. After a couple of days, he started bringing a paperback with him and pretended to read it at lunch in order to avoid the awkwardness of the unfamiliar place and new group of peers.But during gym class on day, a boy named Jackson sat down beside him. Jackson struck up a conversation with him, and before Louis knew it, he had been invited over to hang out with Jackson’s friends after school. Listen to Louis revisit his feelings from that time, reminisce about after-school skateboard sessions and prank calls, and ultimately lay out how much this group of friends really meant to him.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow @boypodcast on Twitter and Instagram for podcast-related updates and masculinity-related n

I first met 11-year-old Louis because he was bullying another boy. Badly. To an extent that included going to the hospital and going to juvenile detention.Over the span of 2021, Louis embarked on one of the bravest journeys I’ve seen a kid his age undertake. He built his empathy for the other boy, he faced his guilt for the hurt he had caused, he switched friend groups and committed to standing up for those who were vulnerable instead of targeting them.So when he told me he wanted to be part of the podcast, I knew he had something to say.Coming soon wherever you listen to podcasts.LinksPart of the Next Gen Men Podcast Network. Support this podcast by becoming a Next Gen Menber. Reach out at breakingtheboycode@gmail.com. Follow @boypodcast on Twitter and Instagram for podcast-related updates and masculinity-related news.

One of my earliest memories with Joseph is hanging out with him at a park when he was around 10 years old. He spent most of his time climbing trees with his friends. Since then, climbing has become a steady passion for him—it’s his primary sport, his job, one of his favourite things to do and one of his biggest aspirations in life.We’ve spent countless hours underneath bouldering walls and pull-up bars. I’ve worked out with him, listened to him blast Apashe, and watched him grow into a remarkable young athlete. I asked him to join for a podcast episode so we could capture this moment in his life.Then I connected with an Olympic medalist named Jason Rogers. This is what we created.FURTHER READINGJason Rogers writes The Mandate Letter, a patient and meaningful exploration of the world of masculinity that features in-depth research and thought-provoking interviews on relevant topics. SOURCESWilliam Pollack, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood →Michael Thompson, Speaking of Boys: Answers to the

I’ve known Jack for several years. We’ve been in touch throughout the pandemic, from the initial school closures and cancellation of his summer camp to the uncertainty of a new school year and ongoing boredom of life without the social closeness and sports teams that he expected to experience in high school.Jack’s story of two-hour online classes and tentative new friends, frustration with masks and enjoyment on Minecraft isn’t representative of every young person this year, but his search for engaging learning experiences and meaningful connections with peers is an important snapshot of adolescence in the pandemic.For those of us who know boys, we’ve got work to do.Continue reading on MediumFURTHER READINGJon’s book My Bad: 24 Educators Who Messed Up, Fessed Up & Grew delves into the importance of vulnerability for educators, and how we can grow my acknowledging our mistakes for ourselves, our colleagues and our students. Michael and Richard Hawley’s research was published in a must-have resource for tea

I often talk about suicide like it’s a statistic—the fact that it was the leading cause of death for teenage boys in Canada in 2018, for example; that rates of suicide attempts among trans youth are as high as 78%; that 70% of mental heatlh problems begin in childhood or adolescence.  Suicide is more than numbers. It’s a difficult and ongoing thing that I face in my conversations with young people, and it’s personal. I wanted to write something for World Suicide Prevention Day, but it was hard. This whole thing is hard.In the end, that’s what made me decide to record this. It’s messy. It has broken edges and a slam poem that I wrote in a single night five years ago. But it’s my effort at saying something worth saying.If you are in crisis, Kids Help Phone is accessible and anonymous 24/7 at 1-800-668-6868, text CONNECT to 686868 or live chat at kidshelpphone.ca. 911 for emergencies.LINKSIf you thought this piece was worthwhile, support it on Patreon .Email breakingtheboycode@gmail.com to get in touch. Connect

Several months ago, Evan invited me to see his middle school musical. The night of the show, I rode my bike across town and found a seat next to his dad, who was watching for the second time. The audience filled up, and the lights went down.It ended up being a remarkably good show, but one of the most memorable moments for me took place right away in the opening number. Evan was unmistakeable in the front row, eyes darkened with makeup and shining at the audience. His voice carried through the ensemble. His body committed entirely to the scene. He was captivating. That was the moment I wondered if he had a story to be told.Continue reading on MediumFURTHER READINGYou can read about the Dream Crazier ad campaign that Evan talked about on Nike News, and watch the video itself on Vimeo.SOURCESNiobe Way, Intimacy, Desire, and Distrust in the Friendships of Adolescent Boys →Clementine Ford, Boys Will Be Boys →Michael Chabon, My Son, The Prince of Fashion →LINKSIf you thought this episode was worthwhile, support it

Logan moved to Florida at the end of the summer. I’ll never know entirely what he left behind in California. I know that he had half a dozen friends on his street and the next, that on early mornings he would go to one of their houses for breakfast before bicycling together to school. I know that his grade at school held a lot of trust between themselves and cried at their graduation ceremony. I know that they were almost always together.The new school isn’t the same. It’s a private school built for achievement, serving a highly ambitious student population and no single school district. It’s meant a lot of changes for Logan, with one of the most significant being the depth of his relationships with his peers.Over the months, he’s also noticed changes within himself. While he still identifies the same strengths in himself that I do—his capacity for connection, his thoughtfulness and selflessness—he sees himself reflecting the attitudes and priorities of the people around him. “I don’t know if it’s just high s

January 29, 2017 saw the worst mass murder in a house of worship in Canadian history: the Québec City mosque shooting in which six Muslim worshippers were killed and 19 injured.Rehan was ten. “I remember when it happened,” he said on the podcast. “That night, I actually started crying because I was like, ‘What if that ever happened to me?’”Islamophobia is on the rise in Canada. It’s perhaps most visible in the forms of explicit violence such as the massacre in Québec City, but it also manifests in schoolyard jokes and whitewashed media. Girls having their hjiabs torn off; refugees being told to leave. A kid like Rehan who can describe racism as easily as his evening prayers.Violence doesn’t end just because you cross a border. And just because we can point to a historical event and say that it was an example of Islamophobia doesn’t mean that it’s not still happening now. It is still happening. We need to talk about it.Continue reading on MediumFurther ReadingFatmeh mentioned the Centre for Race and Culture an

Breaking the Boy Code began in March 2018, or the summer of 2017, or April 2014 depending on your parameters. But some part of it has its roots in an underweight boy with too many bracelets and long blonde hair—because if you had asked me when I was young what I thought about gender stereotypes and rules about masculinity, I would have had a lot to say.I learned at a young age that some things are not allowed for boys, and some things result in violence that I wasn’t ready for. I was told I was doing it wrong. I was told I was a girl. I was called a fag before I knew what a fag was. As I navigated the winding path of both resistance and adherence to the rules of masculinity, I went to great lengths to hide or change parts of who I was. And while I had some great teachers, I also had teachers who were unprepared to intervene on homophobic violence in their classrooms.I’m now an educator, and I’ve seen firsthand the impact of committed and authentic relationships with boys. Boys are saying: ‘We want change. We

With the debate about gay rights in the national media last year, homophobia became the mainstay of school hallways in Mumbai. Ash faced this every day with the unplaceable ache of being a closeted gay Hindu boy. “Even though they’re not talking to me,” he said on the podcast, “I feel what they say.” So each day he sidestepped one-sided debates that drove homophobic language through his skin, and gradually his helplessness translated to anger.“It was enraging to not be able to stand up for myself. That’s one of the things that got to me the most. Because it would be odd for a straight kid to stand up for gay rights. If you take even a slightly pro-gay stance people are definitely going to start questioning you. I can’t risk that. But I can’t just stand and watch them spew homophobia. So what the hell do I do?”Indian society upholds what Sikata Banerjee calls masculine Hinduism in Mumbai and what Aakriti Kohli calls Sikh martial masculinity in Punjab. Meanwhile Ash is caught on the frontlines, the victim of bo

Chad’s first experience with hazing was on his first night back at summer camp. Older boys grabbed him and his friends and told them to strip to their underwear. He tried to refuse but had to fight his way out of their grip, then left the cabin to the sound of the senior campers yelling, “Don’t be like him!”Chad told a counsellor what had happened, but it wasn’t easy. “You don’t want to be a snitch,” he said on the podcast. “What’s holding you back is fear.” The risk of angering older peers in the moment and being ostracized from the group afterwards makes boys hesitate to speak out, and then the pressure to fit into a narrative of dominance and invulnerability compels them to bury their feelings deep inside.If incidents of hazing could be said to have one thing in common, it’s silence. More than half of all boys experience hazing before they leave high school, but according to research, 92% of students will not report any kind of hazing to an adult. To put it bluntly, boys aren’t talking about hazing—at leas

Stress wound its way into Michael’s life throughout his preteen years, growing in size until it overwhelmed him in his first year of high school. “It took over my life,” he told me. “I’d come home and do four hours of homework. This took a toll on my social life, and my physical health. I began to develop an eating disorder, which I still have to battle to this day. I lost a lot of weight. I became more of an unhappy person. I wasn’t fun to be around. I didn’t enjoy being around other people. I just felt like my life was a mess.”“It was painful, to see my life almost crumbling. Because of schoolwork, or my friends, or just something that was stressing me out so much I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. It was really just—it’s painful to think about now, it was painful to go through then. I’m still going through it.”Things came to a head when Michael broke his leg and missed several weeks of school. He did his best to keep up with schoolwork in his absence, but the pressure he felt when he returned to school star

Sebastian’s voice is captivating because its weight shifts dramatically. For part of his story, he maintains a sort of matter-of-fact nonchalance. “Yeah,” he starts out, “I had a very close friend, and we had been friends for like, our whole lives.” This lightness follows his memories of their earliest times together, how they grew closer and closer until they became inseparable.After about ten minutes, however, Sebastian begins describing the crisis point where things between them changed. His voice catches as he says, “I went to the court, and it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.” His voice breaks. “I knew that wasn’t him.”Then, with wet eyelashes, he shares his emotions. The loss. The loneliness. The yearning. His voice still flits back and forth, but it becomes heavier.He was like one of those necklaces that are engraved with ‘best friend’ and marketed at preteen girls, where each pendant on its own is just an incomplete phrase and a broken heart.It’s a fitting comparison. Primar

When I think of resilience, I think of Eli. On the outside, he’s as cut and as worn as you can imagine, but at his core is a dogged spirit that has withstood countless attacks on his gender, body and identity. He faces transphobia with bitter resolve. He’s like a war survivor who’s repeatedly been sent back to the front lines.One of Eli’s front lines has always been school, in particular physical education classes and spaces defined by youth culture, where he either has to fight to have his gender identity recognized or he has to be on guard against homophobia- or transphobia-based violence. He tries hard to protect himself, but sometimes he doesn’t make it.His story is all too familiar. Nearly all LGBTQ youth have faced discrimination based on their gender or sexual orientation. Sometimes it’s outright physical violence. Sometimes it’s more implicit.Continue reading on MediumFurther ReadingLori Duron writes a blog called Raising My Rainbow. You can also follow her and her son on Facebook, Twitter and Instagr

How do you stop a man from being violent? How do you stop the college student who’s taking things to far, or that guy at the bar who won’t back down, or the dad whose words are fists? On one hand these are complex issues and the answer is not one thing, but at the same time all of these men have one thing in common. Boyhood. So how do you stop a man from being violent? You talk to him when he’s a boy.At first glance, the context of this podcast is ending violence against women and girls. In order to effectively confront patterns of male violence, we need to look deeper at the ways that masculinity is constructed, enacted and resisted by boys and men. In a word, patriarchy.Patriarchy also has negative effects on boys and men. Boys are dropping out of high school twice as much as girls. Using drugs and alcohol more frequently and more heavily. Dying by suicide four times as often. Men are committing 98% of shootings in the United States, and filling 93% of the prison population.The premise of this podcast is th