Technically Correct

How to properly eat an ice cream sandwich: Step 1: grab a steak knife and fork Step 2: unwrap your preferred sugar sandwich Step 3: slice into bite-sized triangles Step 4: lather, rinse, repeat This week: enhanced self-cash grab, regional food slang, and a preview of Solo Loop: An Apple Watch Story. Beep boop.

In another major bust for US Customs and Border Protection, agents at SFO seized an app labeled "Instagram" that appears to just be an unconvincing counterfeit of TikTok and Snapchat. This week: Little Free Libraries, fruit company news, and the grossest corporate food brand crossover to date (and yes we're aware of that KFC Cheeto sandwich).

Retail may be dying, but that's not stopping IKEA from opening up urban concept store downtown. Perhaps that's why Herb Caen always lovingly referred to San Francisco as Jokkmokk-by-the-Bay. This week: an update on Epic Games' $257,000,000 free ride, Consumer Reports gives Tesla FSD the business, and Peloton doubles down on its pandemic prospects.

Look, it's like Sam Hinkie always said: trust the app review process. Or was that Eddy Cue? Guess we'll never know — there's no possible way of looking it up. This week: Hue light seances, mixologist plumbers, and a double dose of Still or Sparkling (with a PSL cameo).

The NFL is planning to come back this fall with 20% of usual stadium capacity. Risky and dumb? Sure. But the real loser here is Bill Belichick. Cheating is probably way trickier and easier to catch in a socially distanced arena. This week: air purifiers, Roomba goes back to school and smartens up, and mulling over Phil Schiller’s scorched earth App Store IAP legacy.

Gen Z is doomed for several reasons. Recessions, the pandemic, the 116th Congress. The biggest, however, is that they never developed the work ethic shaped by blowing on NES cartridges and reinstalling Windows 98 every three months. This week: symmetrical bandwidth, weather patterns, and the fruit company that kept looking a regulation horse in the mouth.

With movie theaters on ice for the next 12 to 96 months, top-tier first run movie releases at home will become more common. Word is the next Apple TV may have a FasTrak Flex strapped to it to identify how many viewers to charge you for. Eddy Cue will be making houses calls to check if you're being truthful. No fudging. This week: fitted sheets, silo design critiques, and the last of the Intel Macs.

Sure, the Seattle Kraken brand identity is pretty great, but it feels like it's for a different time. What's a more honest mythological thing to name a hockey team in 2020? May we humbly suggest the King County Sisyphus-es? Oh no. Looks like the rock is rolling back down the hill again... This week: brisket and ribs, self-emptying Roombas, and the makings of the longest shortest baseball season. ⚾️.

Alaska summers mean it's light out for more than 19 hours a day, an 80/20 split. How'd the bears in Katmai swing a better deal with the sun than developers have with Tim Apple? This week: a new season of Cereal, the bubble bounces forward, and premium pods in lean listening times.

Like Strunk and White said a hundred years ago: two exclamation points is kind, just one is super passive aggressive. Also, Cc-ing the recipient's boss to light a fire is a so two thousand and late. This week: pandemic sports chat, purportedly popular movies, and the

We’ve been wondering. Just how does a “bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman, eventually grow up to be a hero and a scholar”? Someone should do a deep dive on the subject, write a book about it, and then have it adapted into a musical. This week: mouse swears, Zoom room critiques, and an unprecedented live-to-tape taste test.

A modest proposal: turn all soon-to-be defunct Microsoft Stores into socially distanced, open-air Spindrift® tasting rooms. Or perhaps when enclosed spaces are permissible again, an accounting pop-up to help you understand why your nine different skinny bundles total more than your car payment. This week: softball interviews, frothing teasers, and conservation considerations when charging for chargers.

EXT. MCENRY CONVENTION CENTER, SAN JOSE, JUNE 2020. (tumbleweeds). Wait, where is everybody? This week: Costa Rican pineapples, Coronatalk®, and a very brief discussion of this week’s WWDC keynote.

With credible rumors mounting that Apple is indeed switching to ARM processors for its Mac line, the only question is how they will incorporate a leg into the final design to justify the price.

For maximum freshness, this episode should be stored in a cool, dry place. This week: playing ball for prorated peanuts, planning with The Wirecutter for when the wire is cut, and mulling over Twitter and Facebook’s differing approaches to moderating elected officials.

Having identified a weakness in having the majority of its sales being driven by its iconic 20% off coupons, Bed Bath & Beyond is seeking to diversify its total revenue with, drumroll please, services. No joke here. Tune in to find out the very creative name. Give it a few more quarters and BBBY be making its own TV shows too. This week: HBO Max spreads its feathers, the NBA saved enough pennies for a Disney vacation, and a surprise white whale appears.

Shots, shots, shots, shots! Espresso shots, that is. Thanks for the reminder, Lil’ Jon. Very prescient of our current work from home situation. Yeeeeeeaahhhhh, etc. This week: Korean baseball, Ryan’s new Ziggurat desk, and considering whether HBO Max’s marketing already needs to “Pivot!” ¹.

We’re going to level with you: it’s week nine of sheltering in place and we’ve gotten to the point where we’re just taking quizzes off the HGTV homepage. Email complaints to tcook@apple.com. This week: more Coronatalk®, United airline’s clean skies initiative, and the lose-lose-lose world of food delivery.

I mean, I know there’s ballooning deficit and everything, but you’d think Congress could appropriate a few bucks for the pro plan of Zoom. This week: face masks, pandemic politics, and the unlikely food world mensch and his iconic frosted tips in the era of coronavirus.

The stark reality of 2020 is that many business models will have extreme difficulty adapting to a post-COVID reality. It is with this in mind that we humbly propose all movie theaters be converted into mini Disneylands for no more than 10 visitors at any one time. Keep six feet away from Daffy. Tickets are $1,399. No upgrades, Points Guy. This week: magic keyboards, dogvertising, and adding some caffeine to Still or Sparkling®. ☕️.